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They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.
In show business, it takes 10 years to create an overnight success. You've heard that, right? But what you don't hear is that that's the exact same amount of time it takes to create a bitter failure.
What does the word 'meteorologist' mean in English? It means liar.
To do this show, I had to take a physical, and they asked me a lot of medical questions. And they were, like, yes and no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, 'Have you ever tried sugar -- or PCP?'
When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do things besides comedy. They say, 'OK, you're a stand-up comedian -- can you act? Can you write? Write us a script?'... It's as though if I were a cook and I worked my ass...
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he says he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'F**k that, I'll just make a copy.'
Can you imagine putting 'The Real World' on your resume? That would backfire right in your face. Ten years down the line, you're at a job interview, and the guy's like, 'Oh, you were on "The Real World." I used to watch that show. Hey wait a...
He's a man who was a failure until he was 40 years old, which looks really good on your resume -- if you're a comic.
Jokes Tagged:
insults (1736),
news & politics (658),
work/office (346),
George W. Bush (118),
Lewis Black (37)
First job I had: Burger King. My brother got me the job; he was the manager. And you think that'd be cool, right? 'Cause he's my bro. But he was a dick. He thought he was the burger king.
Why do people insist on yelling at the drive-thru? You know, it's modern technology. I'd be there with my little headset, 'Hi, welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?' 'GROBGROWGROBGBONEONIONONEFRY.' 'Excuse me, Chewbacca? I'm bleeding from...
You think when gym teachers are younger, they're thinking, 'You know I want to teach, but I don't want to read'?
I think it'd be great if you had a kid that ended up being pope. That would be the ultimate bragging rights. 'Oh, your son's a doctor? Yeah, ours is pope. Oh, they have a house? He has his own city.'
People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.
Show business is a dog eat dog world. Make sure your dog isn't anorexic.
I think that Vanna White got the best job ever. Is that not the best job? If I were a woman, I would want that job so bad. Like, that's her job! What a country -- she just turns letters. 'I turn letters, but only when they glow. I'm not stupid.'
If you sell things over the phone, the dream went awry somewhere, and you're working in a sweat box trying to make quota so you can buy some speed.
A lot of magicians, they're down on me 'cause I don't really -- well, I don't think I know real magic. But if you knew the hours I spent just thinking about practicing....
I need a lip color that keeps up with my busy schedule. In the time it takes to notice the wide discrepancy between my salary and that of my male peers, I'd have to reapply.
Jokes Tagged:
men/women (1833),
lookin' good (555),
work/office (346),
fashion (132),
Maria Bamford (25)
I'm afraid that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.
When I was a little boy, I wanted to be an astronaut. That was, like, my first dream in life. Whatever happened to childhood dreams like that, huh? How come this ain't a room full of ballerinas and firemen?
