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We came up with Earth Day so we would have one day every year that would remind us what planet we were living on.
I was at a casino. I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, 'You gotta move -- you're blocking the fire exit,' as though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run.
If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit.
That's what fear looks like, I'm telling you: a man running around with his thing flapping around in the air. If you walk out of here tonight, and you see a man running down the street with his thing flapping in the air, run with that man because there is some scary stuff coming the other way.
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor -- you ever just look at the letter and go, 'Hm, looks like they're never getting this. Takes too much energy to go outside.'
I never have free time. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line front of you -- you get kind of flustered? You're like 'Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I've got things to do.'
There was this guy recently who sued his landlord because he said scalding water from the shower burned his genitals. That's a hell of a way to test the water, huh?
I hate when people ask me the time on the street 'cause something happens to me. I just panic. I can't read my watch. When I'm alone, I'm great at reading my watch, but when someone asks me, I just have this anxiety attack, and I just can't make...
I like to talk to strangers. I like to go up to people I don't know and just start conversations with them, just start a conversation. Try it. But the way I do it, don't start the conversation in the beginning, just start it in the middle. Try it....
Your name's not Dickard; your name is Richard. There's no reason to give yourself a phallic name. There's no reason. You have so many choices: you can be Rick, you can be Rich. I'd rather be called Chard than be called Dick. Nobody does that: 'My name's Carl, but you can call me Cock.'
One of my biggest hobbies? I like to rush to judgment.
One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
I notice that there are no 'B' batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion. Because if there were, you wouldn't know when someone was stuttering.
I got talking to a girl in the front row; I asked her her name. She said, 'It's Pataka.' I said, 'That's an unusual name. You don't hear that every day.' To which she replied, 'Actually, I do.'
Every show I do, at least one person hates me. Once it was a guy in a wheelchair. He hated me so much he stood up and walked out of the room.
We say stupid stuff -- 'He looks down his nose at me.' Well, of course, we all look down our nose. If he could look up his nose at you, either he'd be a freak or you'd be a booger.
Not only am I going to cause your card to rise to the top -- I've changed it to the seven of spades.
I like rock, paper, scissors -- two-thirds. Rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff -- I lose. Scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back...
I like staying in hotels because you can leave a message for somebody and you don't even need to know their name, just, like, a room number. 'Hey, can I get a pen? I just want to leave a message. My friend's in 710. Yeah, thanks.' 'Leprechaun's...
I saw a sign on this door; it said, 'Exit Only.' So, I entered it and went up to the guy working there, and I was like, 'I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man.'
