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You know you gotta lose some weight when your girlfriend wants to lick your titties.
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2512),
men/women (1833),
lookin' good (555),
weight/obesity (384),
Reggie McFadden (6)
You'll always feel good about your body when you go there -- no matter what your body is -- because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you'll ever weigh.
Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top -- nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead....
How do you not see that coming? Don't you gradually get fatter? It's not Willy Wonka and that blueberry girl, where you just blow up overnight. If you're walking out of your house sideways 'cause you're too fat, make a mental note, alright?
I remember the first date I ever went out on. It was in high school. Her name was Marguerite. She was kind of a heavyset girl... I took her out on one date. We went out for dinner and a movie and a dinner.
My favorite animal is the manatee, the sea cow. Have you ever seen that animal? The manatee is endangered, and I think it's because it's out of shape. It looks like a retired football player.
It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.
I could be a male dancer at Denny's with my body.
Little things start to change in your life -- like your socks start to get tight.
I went to a gym. They offered me free membership for life if I posed for a 'don't let this happen to you' poster.
I was hoping I'd get really sick, you know? Catch maybe like a cold, work it into a flu, get a double pneumonia, whopping cough -- lose all this weight throwing up, burping up. People say, 'Wow! You look great! What happened?' 'Yeah, I got sick, yeah.'
I tried cocaine to lose weight. It just made me eat faster.
You ever date a big girl? You go broke getting her drunk. It's like filling up a Winnebago with super unleaded.
When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller...
I said, 'I'm a male stripper.' He's like, 'You're kidding!' I said, 'Yeah!' He said, 'What's your stage name?' I said, 'Stretch Marks.'
You're taught as a child, when an old person says something to you, you don't talk back. But now I am an adult, I let their ass have it, you hear me? I'm in church Sunday; I spot this old lady. I said, 'Hey ma'am, how you doing?' She said, 'Hey...
I was at my first Hollywood party, trying to fit in, trying not to sweat. And this woman who I just met comes up to me and says, 'Hey, Jackie, there's cake. Of course you'll want a piece of cake.' Wow, no thank you. Cake is not my downfall. I am...
I was working recently in London -- what a thrill, yeah. But I wasn't used to their money, though, 'cause I bought this really decadent box of chocolates -- the cashier said, 'That'll be 10 pounds.' I'm like, 'Rub it in, why don't you?'
I don't want to lose weight. My tongue and my taste buds are the only friends I got.
I quit smoking cigarettes about a year ago. I gained 18 pounds. So, now I have to wear a lot of black so no one knows what a big hunk of pig I turned into. No matter what I do, I cannot lose this 18 pounds. It's really starting to kick my ass. I mean I have tried everything short of diet and exercise.
