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My first impression of the current conflict between the Israelis and Palestinians: 'Mom, Israel's touching me!'
Desert combat? I can't even stand the walk back from the beach to the car.
Why can't we find Bin Laden? We're the most sophisticated -- let me back up -- he's six' eight''. He's six' eight''! Can't somebody just stand on a stool and go, 'Oh yeah. There he is. I see him. He's right there -- the guy with the eight-foot turban, the 12-foot beard and the video crew.'
All the British fans start singing to the German fans, 'If you won the war, stand up!' Right, I think this is the greatest thing I've ever heard at a sporting event because there's no snappy comeback for that, is there?
They're giving us terrorist alerts that are three years old. How stupid do they think we are? How much are they gonna try to scare us with crap for information? This is what you're gonna hear the day before election day: 'We've just received...
First, we have Colin Powell waving this vial of nutmeg around at the UN -- 'It's a weapon of mass destruction!' -- and then, there was the yellow cake uranium. So, now we have nutmeg and yellow. So, apparently, we need to get into Iraq because Saddam is this close to making sticky buns.
A lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It's like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex -- maybe I really am a Republican?
I feel like, as we get older, we should have recess. Now that we have, like, wars and Visa bills, we should have 15 minutes on the slide everyday.
Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets -- unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.
We had to practice what to do in case the Communists dropped the bomb on us. Like that would be the first place they'd bomb -- a Catholic grade school.
If I'm ever in the military, I want to be in an all gay platoon... My theory's pretty simple: I want the guy covering my ass to think my ass is pretty cute. I want them fighting for more than just country here, you know what I'm saying?
I don't get that -- people going to war over religion. I don't know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you're going to war over religion, now you're just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.
War is a silly thing. How you gonna bomb people, then give them humanitarian aid? That's the dumbest thing in the world. How you gonna send a plane with bombs and then one with sandwiches right behind it?
We tell too much of our business. I don't understand war. Why we tell everything we're about to do? We're running around, trying to find out military intelligence on them. They don't need that -- all they do is watch the news, they see everything...
The FBI says they're having trouble penetrating these terrorist cells -- bullsh*t. Move to my neighborhood, I've been buying fruit from the Taliban for four years.
Whenever you see riot footage on TV -- you know, someone throwing a brick in Pakistan or somebody throwing a fiery piece of pooh through a Starbucks window up in Seattle -- you ever see anybody throwing anything underhand? I think it just takes all the aggression out of the act.
A tank is made to drive and shoot with a turn that spins at 360 degrees. Do you know what that is? That's a drive-by!
The United States used to know how to put on a war. You always used to get a little music with your war. You know, they had the dude on drums, dude on fife, you know what I mean? A little background music while you're getting shot.
I learned a lot in the army. I learned how to masturbate quiet.
Two weeks ago in Los Angeles, at a stop sign, I was asked for a dollar by a homeless 22-year-old Vietnam veteran. I was like, 'Here's a buck. Yeah, I know man, Da Nang was whack.'
