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The first mate asks the ship captain why he always wears a red shirt to fight off pirates.
The captain replies, "It keeps the men brave. If I get wounded, you won't see the blood, and you'll keep on fighting."
The next day, a fleet...
The captain replies, "It keeps the men brave. If I get wounded, you won't see the blood, and you'll keep on fighting."
The next day, a fleet...
That's gonna be the next civil war in this country: smokers or non. The non-smokers are gonna win. What are the smokers gonna do -- run?
India and Pakistan have nuclear weapons. How did they get nuclear weapons? Those are dirt poor countries. Their armies don't even have matching uniforms. They go to war, they've got to call each other up, 'Wear something tough looking.'
I'm sitting at the bar. This big guy sits down next to me, a construction worker, and we start talking about nuclear war. I say to him, 'Look, you hear the sirens go off, the missiles are on their way, you got 20 minutes to live: what are you...
I think we know when they're happy; we know when they're crying; we know when they're pissed off. We have no idea what order those are gonna come at us. That's why we don't allow women in combat -- 'cause they'd win.
Whatever happened to the good old days when a boy could meet a girl just by attacking her village?
I take one issue with him, which is that he always says that if you don't support the war, you don't support the troops. I just think that's a little manipulative because I love the troops. Because if they weren't the troops, I would be the...
We had to practice what to do in case the Communists dropped the bomb on us. Like that would be the first place they'd bomb -- a Catholic grade school.
If I'm ever in the military, I want to be in an all gay platoon... My theory's pretty simple: I want the guy covering my ass to think my ass is pretty cute. I want them fighting for more than just country here, you know what I'm saying?
I don't get that -- people going to war over religion. I don't know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you're going to war over religion, now you're just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.
War is a silly thing. How you gonna bomb people, then give them humanitarian aid? That's the dumbest thing in the world. How you gonna send a plane with bombs and then one with sandwiches right behind it?
We tell too much of our business. I don't understand war. Why we tell everything we're about to do? We're running around, trying to find out military intelligence on them. They don't need that -- all they do is watch the news, they see everything...
The FBI says they're having trouble penetrating these terrorist cells -- bullsh*t. Move to my neighborhood, I've been buying fruit from the Taliban for four years.
Whenever you see riot footage on TV -- you know, someone throwing a brick in Pakistan or somebody throwing a fiery piece of pooh through a Starbucks window up in Seattle -- you ever see anybody throwing anything underhand? I think it just takes all the aggression out of the act.
A tank is made to drive and shoot with a turn that spins at 360 degrees. Do you know what that is? That's a drive-by!
The United States used to know how to put on a war. You always used to get a little music with your war. You know, they had the dude on drums, dude on fife, you know what I mean? A little background music while you're getting shot.
I learned a lot in the army. I learned how to masturbate quiet.
Two weeks ago in Los Angeles, at a stop sign, I was asked for a dollar by a homeless 22-year-old Vietnam veteran. I was like, 'Here's a buck. Yeah, I know man, Da Nang was whack.'
Couldn't we have just sent Saddam a mad cow burger and a Paxil and been done with it in, like, '03?
We might feel bad about it later -- ask Japan -- but before we feel bad, we're gonna jack you up. And then we're gonna send you food.
