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Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage. They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.
A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.
Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different...
Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different...
How can you hate them? They spend most of their time blowing themselves up. I hate to admit this, but they're pretty much the Wile E. Coyote of terrorist organizations.
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate...
I have a theory that Osama bin Laden is hiding in North Platte, Nebraska, and that we should bomb it just in case. If I am wrong, what have we lost?
One, it was a tragic and senseless loss of human life, of course. And two, it kind of f**ked up my 'the white man is the devil' theory. Pretty much shot that all to hell, really. I'm still trying to hold out hope that the white man is the devil; I just don't have the conviction I once did.
I started reading the Bible, the Torah, the Koran, back issues of the Green Lantern, you know what I mean? I was like an atheist with a B plan.
That's like having to be Mike Hitler during the height of Nazi Germany. You're Mike Hitler. You work at a bakery. You're just trying to make ends meet. Meanwhile, your brother's out there just acting an ass. People come in the bakery and read your...
White folks were outraged. 'We haven't seen that kind of violence in the name of religion in this country since we got here!'
Don't be afraid, people. That's what Dick Cheney said right after the attacks. He said that from seclusion.
I know pushing out babies is hard. But on September 11, I panicked and tried to push one back.
If you see a terrorist on a train about to blow themselves up, you have to go up to them and say, 'Hey! Stop it.'
I was reading this article that said you have to be more diligent, keep an eye out for suspicious people. Yeah, that might work in Minnesota, but I live in New York. What's suspicious in New York? Have you ever seen anything suspicious in New...
Terrorism paranoia is ridiculous. That's why I'm doing my part to kill the stereotype: I'm taking salsa dancing lessons -- because I want to be known as the only Arabic-looking guy who can dance without having to hold a rifle over his head.
Your plane ever get hijacked? It's the worst 'cause they pop into the cockpit of the plane and they pull out a gun, and they're just like, 'Fly this plane to Mexico City.' And I hear that and I'm like, 'Why didn't you get on the plane that was supposed to go to Mexico City?'
They have suicide bombers. These are people who not only blow themselves up, they blow everybody else up. How do you get somebody to do this -- kill everybody and themselves? I can't get three people to help me move.
Remember the anthrax they tried to blame on the Middle Easterners? I knew that wasn't a Middle Easterner. That's not how the Middle Easterners work. A Middle Easterner'd have been like, 'What -- you want me to put the anthrax in the envelope, put...
I only wish Jeffrey Dahmer were still around. He'd 'a been great in the war on terror. Imagine him after 9/11. We coulda used him in the interrogation rooms... We'd be like, 'So, you wanna tell us where the other sleeper cells are? No? Oh, I don't...
They got the terror alert -- it's orange, it's yellow, it's red. Who the hell is protecting us -- Skittles?
Remember Osama bin Laden? Public enemy number one. We gotta get bin Laden. Then the new season of 'American Idol' came on, we're like, 'Ah, forget it. Whatever.'
