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Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage. They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.
Remember Osama bin Laden? Public enemy number one. We gotta get bin Laden. Then the new season of 'American Idol' came on, we're like, 'Ah, forget it. Whatever.'
You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves.
Why can't we find Bin Laden? We're the most sophisticated -- let me back up -- he's six' eight''. He's six' eight''! Can't somebody just stand on a stool and go, 'Oh yeah. There he is. I see him. He's right there -- the guy with the eight-foot turban, the 12-foot beard and the video crew.'
Have you heard the word, friends? The al Qaedas are coming to get us. Every time you turn on the TV, there they are swinging on the monkey bars in their black bathrobes, somersaulting over that piece of wood. I'm afraid to go to the park in Home Depot.
I'm terrified. Every week, it's a new terror alert. It's orange. It's green. It's yellow. Last week, it was like cranberry-cinnamon-butterscotch ripple.
If you're not sure who is a terrorist in this country, they've really helped us out to figure it out. If you go to the website of the Department of Homeland Security, they'll give you some hints. First thing you want to look for is pregnant women,...
They're giving us terrorist alerts that are three years old. How stupid do they think we are? How much are they gonna try to scare us with crap for information? This is what you're gonna hear the day before election day: 'We've just received...
We promise my cousin Skillet a woman and some weed -- he'll gang bang all the way to Afghanistan and get that man for us.
Every month, he puts out a video like he's Puff Daddy or Beyonce... You see the videos: bin Laden's Greatest Hits, bin Laden Christmas Video, bin Laden Gone Wild.
We're chasing the Taliban, but why can't we catch them? They can't be running that fast -- they've got on slippers.
You know the only time racism is really good for black people? Terrorism. Terrorism -- never take black hostages. You know it's true. You know why they don't take black hostages, don't you? 'Cause we're bad bargaining chips. They call the White...
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate...
I have a theory that Osama bin Laden is hiding in North Platte, Nebraska, and that we should bomb it just in case. If I am wrong, what have we lost?
One, it was a tragic and senseless loss of human life, of course. And two, it kind of f**ked up my 'the white man is the devil' theory. Pretty much shot that all to hell, really. I'm still trying to hold out hope that the white man is the devil; I just don't have the conviction I once did.
I started reading the Bible, the Torah, the Koran, back issues of the Green Lantern, you know what I mean? I was like an atheist with a B plan.
That's like having to be Mike Hitler during the height of Nazi Germany. You're Mike Hitler. You work at a bakery. You're just trying to make ends meet. Meanwhile, your brother's out there just acting an ass. People come in the bakery and read your...
White folks were outraged. 'We haven't seen that kind of violence in the name of religion in this country since we got here!'
Don't be afraid, people. That's what Dick Cheney said right after the attacks. He said that from seclusion.
I know pushing out babies is hard. But on September 11, I panicked and tried to push one back.
