Most Popular Tags Today
Featured Stand-Up Comedians
1-20 of 506 Results
The salesman is using sex to sell me a CD player, giving me pressure about my love life. 'Mr. Mercurio, it's a five CD player carousel model. You load all five of your CDs into this baby -- you're with your woman, you're gonna make love -- you...
I like a escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he says he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'F**k that, I'll just make a copy.'
I'm trying to become environmentally correct. I got an electric car... They're so cool, it's great. It's in the shop now. We're having a gas engine put in it.
I tried phone sex once. I did. I'll be honest with you -- I got my penis stuck in the nine.
They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp.
This friend of mine told me to get Quicken for my computer. He's like, 'Todd, you gotta get Quicken. Look man, I make graphs of my finances.' Wow. If I am reading this pie graph correctly, looks like you spent half of last year's salary on the...
I'm afraid of my computer. I know when I turn it off, it's learning new things without me.
Can anyone in this room explain to me why Tampax needs a website? That's the last place any woman wants to be when she's bleeding.
In the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds.
Know what I would like to do? I'd travel back to when my mom and dad had sex to have me. And I'd just run into the bedroom, right when they're doing it, and just spank my dad on the ass: 'I'm your son from the future!'
When your floor model TV messes up, what are you supposed to do? Put a little one on the top.
You can microwave a Pop Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop Tart? A minute and a half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap-fry your Pop Tarts...
You don't just get a computer to get online. You gotta get other stuff. You better get a modem, or you're not getting on anything. You gotta get a monitor, that's what I found out. You gotta get a mouse. You gotta get a mouse pad. You gotta get a sperm guard for your keyboard.
He said, 'Arj, if you're having trouble with www.arjbarker.com, don't call me. You consult the Webmaster.' I said, 'Fine.' So, I called Spiderman.
I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could they be any more vague? What if a light came on and said, 'Problem'?
I read my morning papers on the computer. It's just hard to hold the computer on the toilet 'cause I don't have a laptop.
At this point in time, that's like saying you're not 'into the phone.'
We spend all our time now on customer service phone calls. I used to read when I was on the toilet, but now that's when I make customer service calls.
I tried to go on the Internet. I figured, you gotta be safe there, can't run into any problems on the Internet. I went on one of them sex sites, you know; I wanna see what the big deal is. I went to bigboobs.com 'cause that's what I like. The...
