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I woke up at eight o'clock in the morning, angry. I just opened my eyes and thought, 'This sucks. What the hell am I doing awake at eight o'clock in the morning? And why am I in this phone booth?'
I'm lazy. When you go to bed and start setting your alarm clock for p.m. -- why even set it at all? I'm setting it for 1:30 the other day, going, 'I don't wanna oversleep or nothing.'
I love sleep. I love sleep so much, sleep is the first thing I think about when I wake up.
I sleep during the day, which is such a weird thing, to be a day sleeper, because you get that call at three in the afternoon, and you think, 'Ooh, bad news.'
You ever sleep so long the people in your dreams are trying to wake you up? 'Wake your ass up. We ain't doin' no more stuff.'
Fell asleep last night, so I was up all day today -- you know how that goes.
We're all disgusting when we sleep. Everyone in here -- different degrees, but you are disgusting. You ever see your old pillow without its pillow case? It looks like a bandage from the Civil War.
Before I came to New York, I heard it was the city that never sleeps. I gotta be honest with you -- I mean no disrespect -- I'm not so sure about that. I was cruising down 2nd Avenue at about 3:30 in the morning on Tuesday -- there were people sleeping all over the g**damn place.
I got in a big fight with my girlfriend. She's really immature. She sleeps with this big stupid teddy bear. I told her, 'I can't believe you're 25, and you sleep with a stupid teddy bear.' She goes, 'So what? You sleep in your pajamas.' And I go,...
When you're first in love, you cannot sleep close enough to that person you're in love with. At the beginning of the relationship, you're like, 'Come here, honey. Let's stay like this forever.' A short five years later, my wife is laying on my arm...
You guys ever wake up laughing? That happened to me not too long ago. I woke up cracking up, and I had no idea why because I didn't have a funny dream or anything. But then I looked over, and next to me in the bed was a clown. Did you ever wake up...
Last night I could not get to sleep; I'm just flipping around in my bed, can't get to sleep. So here's what I do: I wake up at three in the morning, I go over to Krispy Kreme donuts. I buy two lovely honey-glazed donuts. I stick them to my eyes, and I climb up into a pine tree and pretend I'm an owl.
When I go to bed at night, it's like a different human being that enters my body for the night shift. I call my guy Sleepy Carl -- that's my guy. And he's a terrible employee, but he's a great dude. He's always slobbering on my pillow and...
When I'm staying at a hotel, I have to call the front desk and be like, 'Can I have a wake up call for 7:00, 7:10, 7:20, 9:30, and 1:30 p.m.?'
They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.
Q: Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
A: Because when their balls fall over their a**holes, they vapor-lock.
A: Because when their balls fall over their a**holes, they vapor-lock.
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.
You ever fall asleep performing oral sex? What's so funny? I've done it. It's not that bad. Waking up is horrible.
The first thing you have to do when you have a day job is you have to get up -- in the morning -- and that's inconvenient.
