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I woke up at eight o'clock in the morning, angry. I just opened my eyes and thought, 'This sucks. What the hell am I doing awake at eight o'clock in the morning? And why am I in this phone booth?'
I'm lazy. When you go to bed and start setting your alarm clock for p.m. -- why even set it at all? I'm setting it for 1:30 the other day, going, 'I don't wanna oversleep or nothing.'
I love sleep. I love sleep so much, sleep is the first thing I think about when I wake up.
Fell asleep last night, so I was up all day today -- you know how that goes.
I sleep during the day, which is such a weird thing, to be a day sleeper, because you get that call at three in the afternoon, and you think, 'Ooh, bad news.'
You ever sleep so long the people in your dreams are trying to wake you up? 'Wake your ass up. We ain't doin' no more stuff.'
Have you ever been so tired, you look at a homeless guy asleep on the street and go, 'Boy, I wish I could sleep like that. I don't need a box spring. I need a box'?
You ever fall asleep performing oral sex? What's so funny? I've done it. It's not that bad. Waking up is horrible.
They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.
When you're first in love, you cannot sleep close enough to that person you're in love with. At the beginning of the relationship, you're like, 'Come here, honey. Let's stay like this forever.' A short five years later, my wife is laying on my arm...
It's like, I hate getting up in the morning, unless it's over and over and over and over again -- then I'm good.
We're all disgusting when we sleep. Everyone in here -- different degrees, but you are disgusting. You ever see your old pillow without its pillow case? It looks like a bandage from the Civil War.
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.
Q: Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
A: Because when their balls fall over their a**holes, they vapor-lock.
A: Because when their balls fall over their a**holes, they vapor-lock.
My father never slept, never slept -- oh, he used to rest his eyes quite a bit. He'd never admit he was sleeping... So I tried to throw this back at him: 'No Dad, I'm not ignoring you, I'm resting my ears.' 'No Dad, I'm not drunk, I'm resting my ability to make sound decisions.'
I saw a security guard the other day sleeping at 2 p.m., like a baby... I haven't slept like a baby in 10 years because I'm up thinking about stuff -- like goals. This guy had the right attitude: 'I've failed. Oh well. Night-night.'
You guys ever wake up laughing? That happened to me not too long ago. I woke up cracking up, and I had no idea why because I didn't have a funny dream or anything. But then I looked over, and next to me in the bed was a clown. Did you ever wake up...
Last night I could not get to sleep; I'm just flipping around in my bed, can't get to sleep. So here's what I do: I wake up at three in the morning, I go over to Krispy Kreme donuts. I buy two lovely honey-glazed donuts. I stick them to my eyes, and I climb up into a pine tree and pretend I'm an owl.
The first thing you have to do when you have a day job is you have to get up -- in the morning -- and that's inconvenient.
