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My day was terrible. I spent six hours on the phone with IKEA technical support. It was six hours of this: 'Um, can I speak to someone who isn't Swedish? Yes, I was assembling the Klorn entertainment center, and I've become trapped inside.'
I like to go to stores and mess with the salespeople, get them back. They mess with you all day. I go in the store, right? And I just try stuff on and walk around in it. They can't tell you how long to keep it on.
I ask myself questions in those stores I don't ask myself anywhere else, like, 'Will I live long enough to use all those paper towels?'
Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
Free puppies:...
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
Free puppies:...
Yesterday I bought a cuckoo clock at an Army Navy store. Last night at 10, the bird chirped 2,200 times.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So, I got a cake.
I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut -- end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this.
I get in the dressing room. I'm in there like five, 10 minutes. She comes knocking at the door. I go, 'What?' 'You've been in there a while. Are you OK?' I open the door a crack. I said, 'No. Could you get me some toilet paper?'
Some New Yorkers were pissed off when Kmart came to town. They were outside the store protesting. They didn't even know what to say. They were like, 'Down with Kmart and their merchandise that people can afford. Down with Kmart and their 300...
They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp.
I discovered a great store this past holiday season: The Body Shop. Oh my God, that is the perfect last minute thoughtless gift warehouse.
When your floor model TV messes up, what are you supposed to do? Put a little one on the top.
For as much as I know about being a guy, I ought to go to a hardware store wearing a tiara. 'Hi, do you have a bang-bang-bang to put the pointy thing in? I need a grab-hold and twisty because I'm putting up some -- help! -- curtains.'
Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection, and then you realize you're just in a massage chair in a Brookstone?
Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer. And you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable! How...
I know I'm not buying anything, and you know I'm not buying anything, but I want to know how much the sh*t I'm not buying costs.
For a $16,000 watch, that second hand ought to act like a damn second hand. For $16,000 that hand ought to jump off the watch and give you a high-five when your team makes a damn basket.
I priced a pair of alligator shoes at $2,000. That's $1,000 a foot, $200 a toe -- add it up.
Here's how rich I am: I'll, like, go into a Banana Republic and buy shirts two at a time. That's right, I guess you should applaud for that. Here's the thing, people -- you're probably saying to me, 'But Paul, those shirts cost a lot of money.'...
I was in a novelty store the other day, because I am a fan of hilarity, and saw that they are still making the gag peanut brittle. You know what I'm talking about? You open the can of peanut brittle up and snakes fly out! And the time to really...
