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Yesterday I bought a cuckoo clock at an Army Navy store. Last night at 10, the bird chirped 2,200 times.
Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
Free puppies:...
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
Free puppies:...
My day was terrible. I spent six hours on the phone with IKEA technical support. It was six hours of this: 'Um, can I speak to someone who isn't Swedish? Yes, I was assembling the Klorn entertainment center, and I've become trapped inside.'
I like to go to stores and mess with the salespeople, get them back. They mess with you all day. I go in the store, right? And I just try stuff on and walk around in it. They can't tell you how long to keep it on.
I ask myself questions in those stores I don't ask myself anywhere else, like, 'Will I live long enough to use all those paper towels?'
I'm opposed to product testing on animals, especially in cosmetics research. What can we possibly learn from it? So what if a dog looks good in lipstick?
Women have an easier time purchasing condoms than men because women are bold. Women aren't bothered by it. Women will walk into that drug store, 'Yeah, let me see, give me the lambskin lubricated one that's ribbed with feathers, two feet long and...
I was in the supermarket, and I had these two shopping carts full of groceries, and I was waiting in line. This guy got in line behind me, and all he had was a jar of spaghetti sauce and some spaghetti. He kept checking his watch and looking at my...
You could pick out a Bozo costume for a guy and tell him how great his butt looks in the big red and white stripes, and he'll wear it: 'You're right, it looks good. Maybe I'll get the big shoes and the hair.'
So I go back to the tampon aisle to try to figure out what size she wears. And it's not like a guy can take an educated guess 'cause it's not like they come in normal human being Earth sizes -- like small, medium or large -- where a guy can go:...
I buy a bathing suit every year. Why? Because I can't get enough of the act of humiliation, ladies and gentleman. Generally, guys, do you buy bathing suits every year? No, of course not. You're guys. You cut off a pair of slacks, call it summer.
I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.' And he said, 'Just a minute.' And I said, 'Oh, that's my brand.'
Then they've got the products for the elderly. Have you seen the recliner that has a cushion that pushes you to your feet? If you can't get out of a chair, chances are you don't need to get out.
I read in Cosmopolitan Magazine that men and women find satin sheets in bed very sexy, which is exactly why I am not going to be buying them. Because that's what I need in my bed is another thing that will make me ejaculate more quickly -- no thank you. No thank you, I'll just stick with the Smurf sheets.
I was in the meat department, and I saw a guy in a white coat, blood all over the thing. I said, 'Excuse me.' He said, 'I don't work here.'
Every item in women's clothing stores now has shoulder pads in them, right? Because women are actually supposed to look more masculine, more broad, more aggressive for the 90s. I heard that L'eggs is coming out with new pantyhose with cups in them.
I like to buy a four-pack of toilet paper every time I shop, just so I can ask the clerk this judgment question: 'Would you say I got the right amount of toilet paper for the amount of groceries I bought?'
I found some gifts at the Christian book store I did not expect to find. I picked one up out of the shirt bin; it said, 'Someone I know received eternal salvation and will dwell in the house of the Lord forever, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.'
I had sex with a woman. I took out the box of condoms. She takes the box from my hand, looks at it, and goes, 'Hey Todd, good choice.' Now, I didn't expect her to be a virgin, but this is no time to show brand loyalty.
My nephew wanted me to get him some of those pump up basketball shoes, costs $150. I'm sorry, people, but I'm not gonna pay $150 for shoes that I gotta pump that don't pump back.
