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All we do is have sex: sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex -- until you're chafed, raw, swollen, bloody, scabby! And what do we do? We have more sex because we are in love.
You wake up one morning, and you're talking alike. The next thing you know, you're dressing alike. Then you start blowing your friends off, telling your family to go to hell, skipping school, skipping work -- just living in each other's ass.
I've been dating a lot of younger women. Well, they're out there. I didn't mean to do it. And a lot of my older female friends, they're always ragging on me, like, 'What could you possibly have to talk about with a woman who's 15 years younger...
I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on -- the summer or something like that -- but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.
The amazing thing is, when you learn to masturbate in a shower, it only takes a minute before the rest of the team is kicking your ass.
The salesman is using sex to sell me a CD player, giving me pressure about my love life. 'Mr. Mercurio, it's a five CD player carousel model. You load all five of your CDs into this baby -- you're with your woman, you're gonna make love -- you...
Ladies, you shouldn't do that. You know why? 'Cause we don't even care if you have them. You're totally wasting your time.
I don't know if you've ever been to Ireland. They are really the nicest people on the face of the earth. You do a show there, you walk into the pub in Ireland -- you have five best friends immediately. I walk into the bar, the first guy I see...
The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man,...
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2512),
men/women (1833),
news & politics (658),
Bill Clinton (73),
Wanda Sykes (39)
They pulled out that dress, man -- they scared him, they scared him. That little dress with the DNA -- he lost it; he gave up the lie. But my thing is, who's going to believe a woman who keeps a nasty dress? They ought to toss that right out of...
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2512),
gross-out (692),
news & politics (658),
Bill Clinton (73),
Wanda Sykes (39)
That's proof right there that men and women are on different levels because men can watch two women together and that's a turn-on. It doesn't work the same way for us, does it, ladies? No, uh-uh -- it doesn't work the same. You ask any woman in...
That's what they want: two women. Fellas, I think that's a bit lofty. Because, come on, think about it -- if you can't satisfy that one woman, why do you want to piss off another one? Why have two angry women in the bed with you at the same time?...
I'm afraid of the guy judging me because I don't want him to think I'm some sort of a freaky pervert. So now when I rent porn, I'll actually get a 'Dirty Debutantes' and 'Citizen Kane.' He knows I'm a masturbating loser, but I'm a sophisticated masturbating loser.
I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing -- unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'
You know you gotta lose some weight when your girlfriend wants to lick your titties.
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2512),
men/women (1833),
lookin' good (555),
weight/obesity (384),
Reggie McFadden (6)
I couldn't believe he came out of the closet at the reunion. 'Cause that's not coming out of the closet anymore, that's coming out of the apartment.
If I go to the shop, I get two regular movies and one porno flick. I always get the two regular movies just so the cashier won't think I'm full pervert.
Oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it's harder than curling, and if you're good at it, you deserve a medal.
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time -- you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'
When you first start having sex with somebody, you never discuss what you like and don't like. You just try stuff, and the other person either goes, 'Ooh yeah,' or they go, 'Hey, don't do that!'
