A Jewish temple is looking for a way to get the congregation to go to temple on Saturdays. When one of the presidents of the congregation was at a comedy show, he saw a hypnotist. He thought, if he can hypnotize these people, he could probably...
Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when Moses says, "You know what? I'm going to try and part the ocean again." He throws his hands in the air and, magically, the ocean parts.
Jesus sees this and says, "I'm going to try to walk on...
The three wise men visit Joseph and Mary in the stable to see the newborn son. One extremely tall wise man hits his head on the door frame and exclaims, "Jesus Christ!"
Joseph looks at Mary and says, "Write that down -- that's better than Clyde."
The gatekeeper of Heaven says, "Heaven is getting too full, so you have to pass this quiz to get in. First question: which two days of the week begin with T?"
A preacher concludes his service by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."
I get no sleep -- Jehovah's Witnesses always knocking on my door. The worst part about it is that I live right next to the temple, so I'm their first stop. I let them in, I talk to them; I don't care. One time I let this dude in, it was around...
Peace' is when you would shake the hands of all the people around you. The only reason you knew 'peace' was coming was 'cause the priest would say, 'Peace,' like five times, rapid fire. You'd hear him; he'd be, like, 'And the peaceful disciples...
You know what you were doing while [the priest] was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, f**k that guy.'
And I said to him, 'Jeez, Jeezy boy, I feel like no one will ever accept me.' And Jesus looked at me and said, 'You know what my theory is -- accept me or go to hell.'
I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was...