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Boy, that was one shoe endorsement the people at Nike never saw coming.
For years, 'Star Trek' fans have been going, 'Don't make fun of us, we're just like normal people.' No, you're not! You're freaks! It's that show -- there's never been a mass suicide by fans of 'That Girl' or 'Green Acres.'
Religion is basically guilt with different holidays.
Don't get me wrong, I believe in God. I just don't trust anybody who works for him.
My friend Phil -- brought up Orthodox Jewish -- he actually thought the New Testament was the paperback version of the Old Testament.
I went to Catholic school, everyone in my neighborhood was Catholic -- I literally had no idea that Jews existed. I thought they were characters in the Bible, like Argonauts or hobbits or something.
You know the last time Jesse Helms kissed a Jew, he got 30 pieces of silver for it.
I get no sleep -- Jehovah's Witnesses always knocking on my door. The worst part about it is that I live right next to the temple, so I'm their first stop. I let them in, I talk to them; I don't care. One time I let this dude in, it was around...
You know how your friends are all morons, and they got the stories wrong all the time? It's the same here with the Bible.
A lot of teams have ethnic names: Notre Dame, the Fighting Irish; Minnesota, the Vikings; Yeshiva University, the Price-Slashing Hebes.
Mormons -- man, that is one 'm' away from 'morons.'
Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line -- you would jump in the line -- and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.
Peace' is when you would shake the hands of all the people around you. The only reason you knew 'peace' was coming was 'cause the priest would say, 'Peace,' like five times, rapid fire. You'd hear him; he'd be, like, 'And the peaceful disciples...
You know what you were doing while [the priest] was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, f**k that guy.'
I think it'd be great if you had a kid that ended up being pope. That would be the ultimate bragging rights. 'Oh, your son's a doctor? Yeah, ours is pope. Oh, they have a house? He has his own city.'
Ten o'clock at night is when it hit me -- that's when I came to my senses and realized, even if God was going to end the world at the end of 2000, why would he do it on Pacific Coast Time?
God ain't white. And if he was white, he wouldn't end the world anyway -- he'd stand back and let somebody else end it. Then if it turned out good, he'd step up and try to take credit for it.
Jewish people can look at people's faces and tell if they're Jewish. It's a phenomenon that we have that we can't explain. It's just like black people: black people can pick out the black people in crowds; Jewish people can do the same thing.
If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'
I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good -- stop.'
