Most Popular Tags Today
Featured Stand-Up Comedians
1-20 of 850 Results
I have met the most annoying person on Earth -- it's the guy who sat next to me during all three Star Wars movies and said in my ear, 'That's new!'
For years, 'Star Trek' fans have been going, 'Don't make fun of us, we're just like normal people.' No, you're not! You're freaks! It's that show -- there's never been a mass suicide by fans of 'That Girl' or 'Green Acres.'
Rap music is violent, man. Rappers getting killed left and right: Tupac, Notorious B.I.G. What's going on, man? They're killing the best rappers. I got news for you -- Vanilla Ice is still alive. I got his beeper number. Come on, Ice Cube, let's form a lynch mob and get his ass!
We've got to have every goddamn nationality at that news desk. I am so sick of that sh*t I could scream. Give me four white guys, four black guys, all women -- I don't care -- but do I have to have a g**damn UN meeting every time I turn on the set?
Comedy Central, they told me I had to watch my language because, the woman said, they had 'standards and practices.' I was like, wait a minute -- you're Comedy Central. Aren't you the network where your number one show is a cartoon with a talking piece of sh*t?
I'm proud to be part of a generation where reading is a 'look.'
I'm afraid of the guy judging me because I don't want him to think I'm some sort of a freaky pervert. So now when I rent porn, I'll actually get a 'Dirty Debutantes' and 'Citizen Kane.' He knows I'm a masturbating loser, but I'm a sophisticated masturbating loser.
In show business, it takes 10 years to create an overnight success. You've heard that, right? But what you don't hear is that that's the exact same amount of time it takes to create a bitter failure.
My favorite show is 'COPS.' You watch that show? That's my show, right there. I can watch people get arrested in the comfort of my own home.
If I go to the shop, I get two regular movies and one porno flick. I always get the two regular movies just so the cashier won't think I'm full pervert.
He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.
Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top -- nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead....
When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do things besides comedy. They say, 'OK, you're a stand-up comedian -- can you act? Can you write? Write us a script?'... It's as though if I were a cook and I worked my ass...
I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us -- or they thought we were OK.
You know when you go to concerts... and people get up on stage and jump into the crowd, stage-diving? People think that's dangerous, but not me, because humans are made out of 95% water. So, the audience is five percent away from a pool.
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he says he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'F**k that, I'll just make a copy.'
Isn't that -- at my age -- isn't that illegal? I mean, isn't that like me hanging around in front of a grammar school with a van and a kitten? Dirty.
The only part I believed was at the end of the movie when she wouldn't move her ass over and let him on the raft with her.
Titanic' -- good movie, no brothas. You know there was brothas on the Titanic. Who in the hell do you think brought that luggage on board?
I like to go to England, and I'll tell you why. I like to go to a country where I am considered the best-looking person. It's as simple as that. Hollywood, kind of a crushing ego blow -- 'Hey Buddy Holly, you are so old, have you not perished in a...
