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When I was a kid, a terrorist act -- that was like when someone would take a dump in the swimming pool at the YMCA during summer camp. That was a terrorist act. That was the most evil thing you could do.
Jokes Tagged:
gross-out (692),
growing up (287),
poop & pee (228),
history (142),
David Alan Grier (26)
Comedy Central, they told me I had to watch my language because, the woman said, they had 'standards and practices.' I was like, wait a minute -- you're Comedy Central. Aren't you the network where your number one show is a cartoon with a talking piece of sh*t?
You don't know what love is 'til you become a parent. You don't know what love is 'til you fish a turd out of the bathtub for someone, then have to act positive about it.
I get in the dressing room. I'm in there like five, 10 minutes. She comes knocking at the door. I go, 'What?' 'You've been in there a while. Are you OK?' I open the door a crack. I said, 'No. Could you get me some toilet paper?'
I saw this really cool documentary on HBO. It was ex-mafia guys who become government witnesses, and one of them says, 'I told the Feds there was only one place where I could wear a hidden microphone where they'd never search me, so they put it in...
You know what happens when you get in a fight sometimes? You wet your pants. That's not 'cause you're scared. That's just your balls telling your legs it's time to move out.
Women love mystery. That's what they like: little surprises. Tonight, when you go home, add a little mystery to your relationship. When your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor. Honestly -- hear me out -- there's nothing more mysterious...
I read my morning papers on the computer. It's just hard to hold the computer on the toilet 'cause I don't have a laptop.
Hey I got my liver pierced! Don't touch it -- I'll sh*t in my pants.'
I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.
I refuse to go to the bathroom on an airplane because if I'm gonna die in a cartwheeling ball of flames, it is not gonna be in a flying outhouse with my pants around my ankles.
We spend all our time now on customer service phone calls. I used to read when I was on the toilet, but now that's when I make customer service calls.
Oh look, she smiled at me!' It's because you sh*t your pants.
I think you know you're close to somebody if you can walk out of the bathroom and go, 'You don't want to go in there for a while.'
Could you imagine the wonderful, beautiful poop that this thing must take? That's why they beat their chest. I'd be beating my chest, too, if I had 60 pounds of crap comin' out of me.
I love Florida. It's my favorite state because it's shaped like a penis peeing on the Caribbean.
Ladies, have you ever been in the bathroom in a public place or at a party, and there is someone else who wishes to come in next, but instead of politely knocking on the door or gently trying the knob, they attack the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid?
I just spend the whole afternoon lounging in the pool, farting. The bubbles rising, rising and exploding with the aroma of the fish and meat buffet I gorged on an hour before. And then -- a little teeny-weeny piece of pooh comes out my butt.
I was on the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself, 'I'm getting too old for this sh*t.'
