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A man frantically speaks into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused.
She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he...
She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he...
A blonde calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant's weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone...
A father sends his kid to bed. Five minutes later, the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance."
A minute later the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The...
The dad says, "No. You had your chance."
A minute later the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The...
A simple tests to determine your preparedness for children:
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the cat's litter box, then on the walls. Cover the stains with a coating of crayon. Place a fish...
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the cat's litter box, then on the walls. Cover the stains with a coating of crayon. Place a fish...
A seven-year-old tells his four-year-old brother that they should start swearing. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'" The four-year-old happily agrees.
At breakfast, the seven-year-old says, "Aw hell,...
At breakfast, the seven-year-old says, "Aw hell,...
You get to eat for two. You don't have your period for nine months. It's like a summer vacation.
If I had woke my dad at two in the morning and told him he had to come pick me up 'cause I was too drunk to drive home, my dad would have said, 'Well try, anyway. How many beers have you had? Six? What are you, a pussy? Get in that car. Pick up your mom on the way home.'
I became a mom myself for the first time. I actually adopted a baby. I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape.
I like discussing controversial issues with my father, like the Kevorkian trial. I said, 'Dad, do you think a family should have the right to withdraw life support on a loved one?' 'Well it depends on which kid.'
If the truth be known, I don't hit my children because I really don't think I could hit them a little.
Parents get burned out in big families. You can even see it in the naming of children. It's always, like, the first kid: 'You were named after Grandma'; the seventh kid: 'You were named after a sandwich I had. I loved that. Now, get your brother Reuben.'
We're having one of those babies soon. I'm really excited about it because it's probably my first kid.
You're sitting there with your kid -- you haven't even explained sex yet, now you've got to jump right to the genital herpes.
My kindergarten teacher was the first one to recognize something wasn't quite right with me. She called my mama and said, 'Ms. Kerwin, we're sending D.C. to the house. We think he might be -- retarded.' She said, 'Send him on home. I bet he won't be retarded tomorrow.'
They should have locked up the Ramseys a long time ago. I don't know if they actually had anything to do with the murder or not, but you should have locked them up for dressing that baby up like a whore in the first damn place.
They're actually doing a whole musical review of my mother's life. It's going to be on Broadway. It's in previews; you should definitely go see it. It's called, 'Victim, Victorium.'
She had something like 'time out.' It was called 'knock out.'
If you're a guy and you've never seen a newborn child, let me tell you now, it's the miracle of life. Nothing more precious, nothing more delicate, nothing quite as ugly as a newborn child. They got no hair, they got no teeth -- they're like aliens.
My parents are divorced. It was ugly. My parents argued all the time before they got divorced. Came home -- my parents started wearing their wedding rings on their middle fingers.
