Jokes tagged with 'parenting' | Jokes.com | Comedy Central

Show: ALL (486)  |  VIDEOS (151)  |  ? JOKES (335)

Your Search for "parenting" found 335 results in Jokes

1-20 of 335 Results
A blonde calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant's weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone...
Blonde
parenting
Jokes Tagged: Blonde (603)parenting (335) 
A seven-year-old tells his four-year-old brother that they should start swearing. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'" The four-year-old happily agrees.

At breakfast, the seven-year-old says, "Aw hell,...
kids
parenting
Jokes Tagged: kids (630)parenting (335) 
A father sends his kid to bed. Five minutes later, the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"

The dad says, "No. You had your chance."

A minute later the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"

The...
kids
parenting
Jokes Tagged: kids (630)parenting (335) 
A man frantically speaks into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
health
parenting
Jokes Tagged: health (734)parenting (335) 
A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused.

She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he...
men/women
parenting
Jokes Tagged: men/women (1717)parenting (335) 
A simple tests to determine your preparedness for children:

MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the cat's litter box, then on the walls. Cover the stains with a coating of crayon. Place a fish...
kids
parenting
Jokes Tagged: kids (630)parenting (335) 
Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"That's not going to work."

"Why not?"

"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."
sex
marriage
parenting
Jokes Tagged: sex (2379)marriage (356)parenting (335) 
In the backwoods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you...
kids
parenting
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."

"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and...
kids
parenting
education
Jokes Tagged: kids (630)parenting (335)education (98) 
-- Accidents Happen: The Story of YOU
-- The Little Sissy Wimp Who Snitched
-- Some Kittens Can Fly
-- You Can Paint Anywhere!
-- Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
-- Bad Katy and the Mom Who Stopped Loving Her
-- The Attention Deficit
kids
parenting
education
Jokes Tagged: kids (630)parenting (335)education (98) 
A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get pregnant, so she consults several parenting websites for advice.

Later that evening, as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother sits down to talk with her. "I know...
sex
men/women
parenting
Did you ever have someone give advice, and right in the middle of them giving you advice, you realize that really they're just giving themselves advice through you? My father does this all the time. He calls me up on the phone; he goes, 'Leo, Leo,...
marriage
parenting
My father refused to turn up the heat because the body had its own heating mechanism: shivering. He'd say, 'I see your teeth are chattering. You know what that is? Heat. Kinetic energy. I bet your tongue ain't cold, is it?'
money
parenting
growing up
See, the rules have changed, men. It's a different world. I've got a mini van. My father never had a minivan. I grew up in the late 60s, early 70s. He had a '68 Chrysler with vinyl seats, he made a turn -- my brother and I were hanging out of the window. He didn't care. He was trying to lose us.
parenting
growing up
driving
With Photoshop so readily available, there's no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.
kids
technology
parenting
It was probably a young woman, probably a teenager, lying in bed, very early in the morning. Her alarm clock goes off, and she goes, 'Oh my God, why did I set my alarm for 6:30? Oh yeah, I had an appointment to get an abortion. You know what? I...
health
kids
parenting
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
kids
parenting
There's this billboard in my neighborhood, and it says, 'Don't leave a baby anywhere,' which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street. Don't even leave it with a knife or a sword -- even Excalibur.
kids
parenting
laws
Don't throw a baby at anything -- even a burglar.
kids
parenting
laws
I've been here eight months. I have been in two earthquakes, a race riot, floods and fires, and I left New York because I couldn't handle my mother.
family
parenting
city