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I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker; I just really like certain songs.
How come you can play guitar and harmonica at the same time, like, you know, Bob Dylan or Neil Young? You're a genius. Make that extra effort to strap some cymbals to your knees, and people will cross the street to get the hell away from you.
I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.
Q: What is 200 feet long and has no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Jonas Brothers concert.
A: The front row at a Jonas Brothers concert.
Q: How can you tell if the drummer's platform is level?
A: Drool is coming out of both sides of his mouth.
A: Drool is coming out of both sides of his mouth.
Why is easy listening music so hard to listen to?
Want to go back to my place and listen to this band before they sell out?
You're spinning here on Monday? I'm spinning here on Monday!
Nelly's pretty cool. He's got this one song where he talks about how hot it is and how this girl should just take her clothes off. But then the girl's like, 'It is hot in here. I'm going to take my clothes off.' And I'm like, 'Damn, this guy's like a hypnotist.'
This girl offered me E at the club. She's like, 'You gotta do E. It helps you feel the music.' I was like, 'I don't even like this music. I don't really want to take the next step.'
I was opening a show for Huey Lewis once, right? We get to this venue; the last big act that was there before the Huey Lewis show was Clint Black. We get downstairs to the dressing room -- sure enough, on one of the dressing room doors there is a...
A song can't have any soul if it was written during study hall.
If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
Latin women will start moving 30 seconds before there's music. It's like a cat before an earthquake, man -- 'Hang on, there's music coming, I know there is, waiting a second -- there it is!'
So, I used to be a music teacher. I used to teach K-5 music here in New York City. I taught the recorder. Are you guys familiar with Satan's little flute? If there's music in Hell, I assure you, it is played on a recorder.
Rappers misspell things from time to time, just for fun. They'll use a 'Z' instead of an 'S,' a 'Y' instead of an 'I.' If I was an accountant, I would do that with numbers. I'd be like, 'Yo, here's your check. I used a 1 instead of a 5. Just keepin' it real. Don't wanna embezzle, my nezzle.'
I'm the guitar guy at the party/I'm the guitar guy and I think I'll drink a coke and Bacardi/It might look like I'm just having fun, but I'm actually not, I'm trying to sleep with your girlfriend/Listen to me as I play this song, 'cause I'm gonna play it regardless.
We've gone far ever since Ricky Martin. Thank you, Ricky. Who would have thought all you had to do to make Latin music so popular is just take out all the Latin music.
Dude, Columbia House, 12 records for a penny -- liars, huh? I can't buy a house because of the Wu-Tang album I bought nine years ago.
