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I'm the only single guy left out of all of my friends. I'm the last man standing. It's like my buddies and I were in a war movie, where we're storming the beach with machine gun nests, only instead of bullets, they're shooting rings.
Jokes Tagged:
men/women (1771),
pop culture (805),
Vow (361),
friends (194),
wars (75),
Matt Iseman (5)
I have a twin sister; she's a lesbian -- hold your applause... I think it's kinda my fault though. I'm a little bit of a sexual orientation Svengali. When we were younger, we were watching kd lang sing at the Grammy's, and I was like, 'Oh my God,...
I took this girl to dinner, and I heard that women like it when you order for them, so I was like, 'I'll have the special, and she's not getting anything tonight.'
I would give my left nut for a really nice guitar. I don't actually play the guitar, but I have three testicles.
That is easily the five most stereotypical gay men I've ever seen in my life. They might as well have just called the show 'The Five Walking Vaginas.'
With a big guy, it's good. You always know when they're ready for sex, 'cause naked, he looked like one of them butterball turkeys with the little pop-up timer.
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2433),
men/women (1771),
insults (1661),
weight/obesity (351),
Lisa Lampanelli (5)
A white guy in cornrows is basically saying to you, 'Hey, I don't know the difference between right and wrong.'
I've got a wedding I've got to go to next week, and I was trying to lose six pounds by the weekend. I don't think I'm going to do it, so I'm going to get my back waxed, and then, I'll only have to lose two.
Jokes Tagged:
men/women (1771),
gross-out (687),
lookin' good (509),
weight/obesity (351),
Boris Hamilton (6)
I picked this girl up to go out on a date. I get in the car and I look -- she's still standing outside. I'm like, 'The door's open. I got power locks. What you waiting on? You're going to get left.'
I would do anything to make my husband happy -- anything to make him happy -- except cook or clean or shut the f**k up.
Isn't that just being a whore? You don't need to join a club. Close your legs, sister.
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2433),
men/women (1771),
insults (1661),
mental health (128),
Chelsea Handler (28)
Guys, if you're writing poems, you're making up for some other stuff, like a big, hairy back or one ball.
I love how people talk about one ball like it's a bad thing. It's like, we've all seen them, ladies. The less balls the better. How about no balls?
It's every man in here's job tonight to go home and plug himself in and be a heat rock, so when that lovely, cold-blooded iguana decides she wants to come to bed, she's got a nice, warm place to roast her frozen tootsies on your torso all night.
I don't think I could be gay. I just like girls too much. Man, girls are neat. I'm gonna get one, I think.
Sex is like a math problem to me: I work real hard on it for a few minutes, and in the end, I get it all wrong, always leave a remainder.
I went into the store the other day -- and have you ever seen those thong panty liners? I saw those. I thought, that is so genius. Like, why didn't someone think of that a long time ago? 'Cause I know when it's that time of the month for me, and I...
Some of my friends just gave up on the whole thing and became Italian. You ever met those guys -- the Middle Eastern Italian guys... I got a buddy, he'll be at a party, meet some girls. He'll be like this: 'Come meet my friends over here, come...
Jokes Tagged:
men/women (1771),
ethnic (486),
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friends (194),
Maz Jobrani (3)
I'm taking the classes at my gym. First week, I got hooked: Tuesday, I took yoga; Wednesday, pilates; Thursday, I took total body conditioning; Friday, I woke up, and I was gay.
Girls have a very specific type. You ask guys, like, 'Hey, what do you look for in a woman?' It's like, 'Uh -- my penis?'
