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Q: Why did God create women?
A: He took one look at men and said, "I know I can do better than this."
A: He took one look at men and said, "I know I can do better than this."
Jokes Tagged:
laws (214)
I saw the judge actually sentence somebody to 140 years. This guy jumped up, told the judge, 'Man, I can't do 140 years!' The judge said, 'Do what you can.'
I think if you go to jail for something you didn't do, you should get credit towards another crime.
You know where they do send your taxes? They give it to prisons, so prisoners can have weights to lift. You believe that? We've got muggers and murderers, and they're getting stronger. So when they get parole, they can mug your ass better than they did before they went in.
I'd always believed that old saying that the first 15 minutes in jail were the toughest, until I experienced the five minutes after that.
They had me empty out my pockets. They took my wallet, my keys, my shoelaces -- everything, except my pride -- that and my fears and my hopes and dreams and my love of origami and my ability to create the illusion of walking against the wind.
To pass the time, I gave nicknames to everything in my cell. The sink I called 'toilet' and the toilet, 'sink,' and the floor was 'Old Floory.'
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed...
A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed...
A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.
He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.
A few...
He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.
A few...
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds,...
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds,...
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others...
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others...
Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.
You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?
This one dude in Michigan stabbed a lady in the head 17 times with a spoon. G**damn, do you know how mad you've got to be at somebody to kill them with a spoon? Now with a spork you can mess somebody up, but a spoon?
The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.
They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.
My favorite show is 'COPS.' You watch that show? That's my show, right there. I can watch people get arrested in the comfort of my own home.
Isn't that -- at my age -- isn't that illegal? I mean, isn't that like me hanging around in front of a grammar school with a van and a kitten? Dirty.
The Constitution says we have a right to bear arms. It was written 200 years ago. We got an army, Jethro -- relax.
Police don't just pull you over right away. They follow you. They follow you for like 10, 15 blocks, and you're like, 'Damn.' You just want to get out of the car: 'Just give me the ticket! Stop messing with me! OK, I ran through a red light -- take it!'
