You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?
I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes...
How do you not see that coming? Don't you gradually get fatter? It's not Willy Wonka and that blueberry girl, where you just blow up overnight. If you're walking out of your house sideways 'cause you're too fat, make a mental note, alright?
I remember the first date I ever went out on. It was in high school. Her name was Marguerite. She was kind of a heavyset girl... I took her out on one date. We went out for dinner and a movie and a dinner.
I was almost robbed the other night going home late. Thank God I had just popped an Altoid. Did you know if you have an Altoid in your mouth and breathe on someone, you can disorientate them? Who needs a mint this strong? If you think you need a mint this strong, what you need is a tongue scraper.
I'm always looking for that place, you know, where there's no rednecks, that place where people get along, and I never find it. I went to Australia, right, and I thought Australia was gonna be a groovy, surfnoid, smoke-a-joint wombat, you know?...
If you want to live in 'white world,' if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It's an entire country named Doug.
What could they possibly be teaching? I think what they do is they take the kids to school in Arkansas; they feed them Cocoa Puffs for three hours; then, they open the door to the school, and they let the kids run and run and run -- and whoever hits the most trees gets an 'A.'
In my life time, I went from an Eisenhower to a George W. Bush. I went from a John Kennedy to an Albert Gore. Now, if that is evolution, then I believe in about 12 years, we're gonna be voting for plants.