Most Popular Tags Today
Featured Stand-Up Comedians
1-20 of 1736 Results
You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?
What does the word 'meteorologist' mean in English? It means liar.
He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.
What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows; a Republican sucks.
I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes...
How do you not see that coming? Don't you gradually get fatter? It's not Willy Wonka and that blueberry girl, where you just blow up overnight. If you're walking out of your house sideways 'cause you're too fat, make a mental note, alright?
I remember the first date I ever went out on. It was in high school. Her name was Marguerite. She was kind of a heavyset girl... I took her out on one date. We went out for dinner and a movie and a dinner.
I don't like hairy guys, though. I tried it. I dated a little, hairy guy once. He'd take a bath at my house -- it looked like the sewer backed up.
I was almost robbed the other night going home late. Thank God I had just popped an Altoid. Did you know if you have an Altoid in your mouth and breathe on someone, you can disorientate them? Who needs a mint this strong? If you think you need a mint this strong, what you need is a tongue scraper.
I'm always looking for that place, you know, where there's no rednecks, that place where people get along, and I never find it. I went to Australia, right, and I thought Australia was gonna be a groovy, surfnoid, smoke-a-joint wombat, you know?...
You leave white people alone in constant isolation for thousands of years, you know what their musical contribution is going to be? Riverdance.
If you want to live in 'white world,' if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It's an entire country named Doug.
You know why they call them blind dates? Because when you see the girl, you want to jab something sharp into your eyeballs.
I heard that Brad Pitt ain't a big fan of taking showers. I heard this on 'Hard Copy,' so it's not like I'm just blurting something out irresponsibly.
He's a man who was a failure until he was 40 years old, which looks really good on your resume -- if you're a comic.
Jokes Tagged:
insults (1736),
news & politics (658),
work/office (346),
George W. Bush (118),
Lewis Black (37)
I cannot believe the American people listened to H. Ross Perot. You don't listen to a guy who looks like the kid in 'Deliverance' all grown up.
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers. They are obviously alcoholics.
What could they possibly be teaching? I think what they do is they take the kids to school in Arkansas; they feed them Cocoa Puffs for three hours; then, they open the door to the school, and they let the kids run and run and run -- and whoever hits the most trees gets an 'A.'
Jokes Tagged:
insults (1736),
news & politics (658),
blue collar (294),
school (128),
education (118),
Lewis Black (37)
In my life time, I went from an Eisenhower to a George W. Bush. I went from a John Kennedy to an Albert Gore. Now, if that is evolution, then I believe in about 12 years, we're gonna be voting for plants.
Mormons -- man, that is one 'm' away from 'morons.'
