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I was like, 'Damn, do I look homeless?' But then I thought about it, and you know what? It could have been my first day of homelessness. You see, because on your first day of homelessness, you don't look that homeless. You don't stink yet, your...
You ever been to Southern California? It rains, and the houses fall down... And they don't understand why this happens. In California, they figure, 'Here's a cliff. Let's build a house right there!' And they don't understand why it fell. If you...
You take a glass, and you wrap it in paper, and you put it in the box. You take another glass; you wrap it in paper, you put it in the box, and you finish the box. You close it and you write, 'Glasses' on it. But after about two days, you just...
Harry and Martha drank their coffee as they listened to the morning weather report.
"There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."
Harry got up from his coffee to...
"There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."
Harry got up from his coffee to...
Wow, you have your own apartment? Yeah, it's probably nicer than my room at the Y.
I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on the wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down... When he knocked on the wall, I would mess with his head. I'd say, 'Go around.'
I grew up the baby of eight kids. We grew up in a two bedroom house. My mom never had to worry about curfew. You came home late, you didn't have a bed. It was simple.
You know what I like to do on a night like this? Sit in my apartment playing my favorite apartment game: find the smell.
Remember the old days? Grandma died -- you brought her in the backyard, and you buried her. Tract housing ruined that.
My next door neighbor's the Keebler Elf. Oh, I hate that little prick. He keeps me up at night making cookies in his tree. That's no way to run a business. There're zoning laws, you f**king shrimp.
I am white trash and proud. I was raised in an upwardly mobile home, so I prefer to be called trash du blanc.
They also tell you to fill your bathtub up with water so you'll have fresh drinking water. Apparently, these people never seen my bathtub. I'd drink gasoline before I'd drink anything out of there. Are you kidding? I got germs the size of turtles, for god's sake.
The worst thing is you can't really react. I'm on a rocket to the Bronx. I can't go, 'Oh my God, somebody help me! I don't belong on this train. That's not my area up there.' You can't do that... When you get there you gotta get out like, 'I'm home, yeah. Good to be back on Six-Trillionth Street.'
I like any big city. I like any place where you can see a guy with a pants-full of pooh fighting a ghost.
My father sells aluminum siding, and the triumph of my father's aluminum siding career is that there is a brick house in South Milwaukee, Wisconsin, that has aluminum siding on it. A house made out of brick -- how did he make that sell? You don't...
Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.
People always tell you: 'Don't give the homeless money because they're just going to spend it on booze or drugs.' I kind of feel like, 'Hey, the guy lives in a box -- maybe he could use a drink.'
