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You ever been to Southern California? It rains, and the houses fall down... And they don't understand why this happens. In California, they figure, 'Here's a cliff. Let's build a house right there!' And they don't understand why it fell. If you...
I was like, 'Damn, do I look homeless?' But then I thought about it, and you know what? It could have been my first day of homelessness. You see, because on your first day of homelessness, you don't look that homeless. You don't stink yet, your...
Wow, you have your own apartment? Yeah, it's probably nicer than my room at the Y.
Harry and Martha drank their coffee as they listened to the morning weather report.
"There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."
Harry got up from his coffee to...
"There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."
Harry got up from his coffee to...
You take a glass, and you wrap it in paper, and you put it in the box. You take another glass; you wrap it in paper, you put it in the box, and you finish the box. You close it and you write, 'Glasses' on it. But after about two days, you just...
Yo' Mama is so poor, when you ring her doorbell, she sticks her head out the window and yells, "DING DONG!"
I really don't like living there; I have to for health reasons. I'm very paranoid, and New York's the only place where my fears are justified.
I'm trying to do my bit to save the planet. I called one of these organic exterminators. They advertise 'all natural, no harmful chemicals.' I got such a bad headache from that. All that stomping -- what a mess!
The best relationship I ever had -- I used to go out with a homeless girl. Yeah, it was great 'cause after sex, I could just drop her off anywhere.
I am white trash and proud. I was raised in an upwardly mobile home, so I prefer to be called trash du blanc.
Yo' Mama's house is so dirty, the roaches ride around in ATVs.
Q. Why aren't there any nails in a lesbian's floor?
A. They're all laid with tongue and groove.
A. They're all laid with tongue and groove.
I'm like a child living by myself. I leave stuff on the stove while I'm sleeping. I wash my ass with the same rag I wash the dishes with.
I've got an apartment, and it's a little bigger than my body. And my friend came over to give me advice. He was like, 'You gotta get nice little hand soap for your bathroom because women love that.' I was like, 'Do they also love it when your...
I think she thinks that I'm just, like, a neighbor storing her sh*t at her place.
The only thing I don't like doing is helping people who lose their mobile homes to natural disasters. Because don't you know the definition of 'mobile'? Hook that son of a bitch up, Cooter, and drive.
Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.
