You ever been to Southern California? It rains, and the houses fall down... And they don't understand why this happens. In California, they figure, 'Here's a cliff. Let's build a house right there!' And they don't understand why it fell. If you...
I was like, 'Damn, do I look homeless?' But then I thought about it, and you know what? It could have been my first day of homelessness. You see, because on your first day of homelessness, you don't look that homeless. You don't stink yet, your...
You take a glass, and you wrap it in paper, and you put it in the box. You take another glass; you wrap it in paper, you put it in the box, and you finish the box. You close it and you write, 'Glasses' on it. But after about two days, you just...
I'm trying to do my bit to save the planet. I called one of these organic exterminators. They advertise 'all natural, no harmful chemicals.' I got such a bad headache from that. All that stomping -- what a mess!
I've got an apartment, and it's a little bigger than my body. And my friend came over to give me advice. He was like, 'You gotta get nice little hand soap for your bathroom because women love that.' I was like, 'Do they also love it when your...
The only thing I don't like doing is helping people who lose their mobile homes to natural disasters. Because don't you know the definition of 'mobile'? Hook that son of a bitch up, Cooter, and drive.
Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.