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Religion is basically guilt with different holidays.
We couldn't afford no Halloween costumes -- eight kids, please! Mama sent us down to the liquor store, put boxes on us. We didn't know what we were -- 'I don't know what we are. I don't know. She didn't tell us. I think we UPS? I don't know.'
I discovered a great store this past holiday season: The Body Shop. Oh my God, that is the perfect last minute thoughtless gift warehouse.
Remember when you were growing up and you wanted to color eggs for Easter? Where did you go? There was only one game in town: PAAS. You went to PAAS, or you went to hell. Remember that? That was on the box.
I got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago.
My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.
Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer. And you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable! How...
People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and that's a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation. Most Jewish families don't make it past the fourth day. It doesn't happen -- 'Come on, aren't we going to light the lights?' 'Eh, no. Enough's enough.'
First night, you get socks; second night, an eraser, a notebook -- it's a back to school holiday.
Good Friday -- isn't that the day Jesus died? I don't think that was Good Friday for him. I don't see him up there going, 'Wooo! Party! Thank Dad, it's Friday!'
I tried to go Christmas shopping last year, but I didn't have no money. I just went window-shopping with a brick.
When I was a little kid, my parents told me straight out, 'There's no such thing as Santa Claus. You see a fat man in a red suit coming down that chimney, you blow his g**damn head off.'
What does a Japanese tourist think when he sees a big Barney floating down Sixth Avenue? It's gotta be unsettling for the poor guy.
Their holy holiday is Ramadan. It's a month-long holiday where you can't drink, can't eat, can't smoke, can't have sex until sundown for 28 days. It's different than Christmas.
I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It's like, 'To Tim: Nice pants! Love, Scott.'
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used...
Halloween is pay day, folks. A lot of parents are strange; they say, 'Ration the candy.' I say, 'Let them eat as much as they want -- they throw up, the rest is mine.' That's how I handle Halloween.
Latinos, man -- Spanish people outnumber black people now. Yeah, I'm not too happy about it. No, I'm gonna tell you why not. You know why? 'Cause it's only a matter of time before we lose our month, right? Soon as they figure it out, they're going...
I've never understood the concept of the gift certificate because for the same $50 bucks, [my friend] could've gotten me $50 bucks.
Halloween seems to be getting bigger every year. I noticed a pattern this year with girls' costumes. Girls will take a typically altruistic career -- such as librarian, nurse, maybe nun -- and turn her into a whore.
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2512),
men/women (1833),
insults (1736),
work/office (346),
holidays (99),
Ted Alexandro (26),
Halloween (4)
