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I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It's like, 'To Tim: Nice pants! Love, Scott.'
Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.
Q: Why did Santa have to have his balls removed?
A: Because he'd carried his sack over his shoulders one too many times.
A: Because he'd carried his sack over his shoulders one too many times.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to satisfy and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
SYMPTOM:...
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
SYMPTOM:...
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well,...
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well,...
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing a chicken.
A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing a chicken.
-- I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
-- Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
-- She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
-- If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
-- Have someone check the goodies before they go into your mouth.
-- Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
-- She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
-- If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
-- Have someone check the goodies before they go into your mouth.
Religion is basically guilt with different holidays.
I discovered a great store this past holiday season: The Body Shop. Oh my God, that is the perfect last minute thoughtless gift warehouse.
Remember when you were growing up and you wanted to color eggs for Easter? Where did you go? There was only one game in town: PAAS. You went to PAAS, or you went to hell. Remember that? That was on the box.
My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.
Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer. And you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable! How...
People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and that's a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation. Most Jewish families don't make it past the fourth day. It doesn't happen -- 'Come on, aren't we going to light the lights?' 'Eh, no. Enough's enough.'
First night, you get socks; second night, an eraser, a notebook -- it's a back to school holiday.
Good Friday -- isn't that the day Jesus died? I don't think that was Good Friday for him. I don't see him up there going, 'Wooo! Party! Thank Dad, it's Friday!'
I tried to go Christmas shopping last year, but I didn't have no money. I just went window-shopping with a brick.
When I was a little kid, my parents told me straight out, 'There's no such thing as Santa Claus. You see a fat man in a red suit coming down that chimney, you blow his g**damn head off.'
What does a Japanese tourist think when he sees a big Barney floating down Sixth Avenue? It's gotta be unsettling for the poor guy.
Their holy holiday is Ramadan. It's a month-long holiday where you can't drink, can't eat, can't smoke, can't have sex until sundown for 28 days. It's different than Christmas.
