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He blows that pistol off, and you're running. Oh, you're waving -- 'Look at me, I'm running a marathon!' Oh and it's great. It is exciting! It is exciting for about a mile-and-a-half.
I feel bad for people who have never been addicted to anything, because they're the real losers. You want to know why? Because they don't know what it's like to really want something -- and then get it again and again and again.
They used to have a smoking section at most airports. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You're not just a smoker, you're an example to other people. You're an exhibit at a futuristic zoo.
I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.
It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'
If you smoke three packs a day, you might as well start chewing tobacco. It's probably the same thing, you know, 'cause obviously the smoke from the plant ain't doing it no more. You need the juice from the root.
The great part about Crisco is you never get burnt because, when you start to sizzle, you move your ass.
Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
You'll always feel good about your body when you go there -- no matter what your body is -- because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you'll ever weigh.
These are the big breakthroughs in science and technology in the last 10 years: we have Rogaine, Prozac, now we have Viagra. You get a sense for who's bankrolling medical research in this country. It's just depressed, balding, white guys who can't...
Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top -- nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead....
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time -- you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'
To do this show, I had to take a physical, and they asked me a lot of medical questions. And they were, like, yes and no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, 'Have you ever tried sugar -- or PCP?'
The AIDS test is very scary to get. It doesn't matter what you've been doing, waiting for the results is frightening. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call my friend Brian, and I say, 'Hey Brian, do you know anyone who has AIDS? No? Cool, 'cause you know me.'
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
People who smoke cigarettes, they say 'Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking.' Yes, I do -- it's as hard as it is to start flossing.
It's tough getting older. You start falling apart, you know? My gums are starting to recede now. You can't tell tonight, though, 'cause I comb them forward.
I'm on a strict running program. I started yesterday. I've only missed one day so far.
I was almost robbed the other night going home late. Thank God I had just popped an Altoid. Did you know if you have an Altoid in your mouth and breathe on someone, you can disorientate them? Who needs a mint this strong? If you think you need a mint this strong, what you need is a tongue scraper.
I put a new pair of underwear on, I feel like a million bucks. I buy the Jockey ones because they're 100% cotton. You can breathe. You don't buy those Victoria's Secret things. Those things ought to come with a tube of Monistat.
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