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Growing up my dad was like, 'Zach, it's not what you say, it's how you say it.' And he's so right. Take this, for instance: She had a crack-baby vs. she had a crack, baby.
A boy is born without a body, only a head. For his 18th birthday his father, takes him to a bar for a drink.
The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm...
The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm...
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
When I was a kid, I said, 'Hey Dad, is Hugh short for Hubert?' 'No, it's long for "Huh."'
You knew who the rich kids were, right? Right up at the front of the line, packet A: 15 10x12's, 32 5x7's, six friggin' posters. I was way back at the end of the line, not even standing in school anymore. It was packet Q, and it was one picture, and it was a Polaroid -- of the rich kid.
Yo' Mama is so ugly, when she was a kid, they fed her with a slingshot.
My mother would always get powdered milk. I hated it, but when we ran out, my brother and I would substitute nondairy creamer. What the hell is nondairy creamer? I once asked the guy at the grocery store. I was like, 'You know, what is nondairy...
My father refused to turn up the heat because the body had its own heating mechanism: shivering. He'd say, 'I see your teeth are chattering. You know what that is? Heat. Kinetic energy. I bet your tongue ain't cold, is it?'
A father and son were on a fishing trip when the dad pulled out a beer.
"Can I have one, Dad?"
"Can your d**k touch your a**hole?"
"No."
"Then you can't have one." The dad took out a cigarette.
"Dad, can I smoke...
"Can I have one, Dad?"
"Can your d**k touch your a**hole?"
"No."
"Then you can't have one." The dad took out a cigarette.
"Dad, can I smoke...
See, the rules have changed, men. It's a different world. I've got a mini van. My father never had a minivan. I grew up in the late 60s, early 70s. He had a '68 Chrysler with vinyl seats, he made a turn -- my brother and I were hanging out of the window. He didn't care. He was trying to lose us.
I'm sitting there, and these big fat white ladies are making out with these little tiny black guys, practically sucking their whole heads down their throat, feeling up their boobs and everything. I'm six... my grandmother's like, 'Susan, don't...
I chose the tuba based on this theory: if you're not cool enough to be a cheerleader, make sure you're carrying something big enough to knock one on her ass.
I used to hang out with the wrong crowd. You know what I'm talking about -- the Amish.
Here's another sign of getting older, boy: you find yourself saying and doing things your parents said and did. You can't help it. You turn right into your folks, right? I'm saying stuff my dad would say to me. He would say stuff like, 'I want you...
Where I grew up in Oklahoma City, I was one of only three minorities. There was me, a black guy and a smart guy.
Long Island -- if you're from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G.
I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I was in a situation where I had to be like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' -- no problem.
I didn't want to join the Cub Scouts, my father made me. I was willing to join the Cub Scout Reserves.
I ain't a black dude. I ain't a brotha -- not the ones that y'all is used to. I grew up rich. Both of my parents were doctors; we were loaded. I don't know nothin' about the struggle. I ain't never had to keep it real. I ain't never had no...
Bar mitzvah was a good day in my life -- made more money that day than I think I'll ever make again.
