Most Popular Tags Today
1-20 of 259 Results
When I was a kid, I said, 'Hey Dad, is Hugh short for Hubert?' 'No, it's long for "Huh."'
Growing up my dad was like, 'Zach, it's not what you say, it's how you say it.' And he's so right. Take this, for instance: She had a crack-baby vs. she had a crack, baby.
A boy is born without a body, only a head. For his 18th birthday his father, takes him to a bar for a drink.
The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm...
The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm...
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
I went to Catholic school, everyone in my neighborhood was Catholic -- I literally had no idea that Jews existed. I thought they were characters in the Bible, like Argonauts or hobbits or something.
When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's...
Really? These are the best years of my life? I live with my parents. I don't have a car. I'm a virgin. I have no money. And these are the best years of my life? Then kill me right now.
I grew up the baby of eight kids. We grew up in a two bedroom house. My mom never had to worry about curfew. You came home late, you didn't have a bed. It was simple.
Ever do that when you were a kid -- sleep in your bathing suit? I wouldn't even take it off to go to the bathroom. I just moved it on over.
Remember when you were growing up and you wanted to color eggs for Easter? Where did you go? There was only one game in town: PAAS. You went to PAAS, or you went to hell. Remember that? That was on the box.
First job I had: Burger King. My brother got me the job; he was the manager. And you think that'd be cool, right? 'Cause he's my bro. But he was a dick. He thought he was the burger king.
You know how some kids are so bad, when they run around the house, you hope they bump their heads just hard enough so they'll fall asleep?
I ran track, hung out in malls / Fred ran head first into walls. / I had girls and lots of clothes / Fred had names for all his toes.
One day talking to Special Fred / He grabbed a brick and he swung at my head / And as he laughed at me that's when I knew / That Special Fred just made me special too.
My kindergarten teacher was the first one to recognize something wasn't quite right with me. She called my mama and said, 'Ms. Kerwin, we're sending D.C. to the house. We think he might be -- retarded.' She said, 'Send him on home. I bet he won't be retarded tomorrow.'
I'm originally from a place that sort of has a galaxy-wide reputation for sucking, called Alabama. And not from one of the good parts -- I'm from one of those places where the whole number system consists of one, two and a sh*t load.
My fondest childhood memory is I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything: 'We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore.' 'Why? I'm not paying you -- my parents are! Come here!'
Sometimes I still get a little homesick. And that's when I like to put on my Led Zeppelin CD, plug in my curling iron and just get full-on, balls-to-the-wall pretty.
When I was a little boy, I wanted to be an astronaut. That was, like, my first dream in life. Whatever happened to childhood dreams like that, huh? How come this ain't a room full of ballerinas and firemen?
My parents are divorced. It was ugly. My parents argued all the time before they got divorced. Came home -- my parents started wearing their wedding rings on their middle fingers.
