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I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
A boy is born without a body, only a head. For his 18th birthday his father, takes him to a bar for a drink.
The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm...
The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm...
When I was a kid, I said, 'Hey Dad, is Hugh short for Hubert?' 'No, it's long for "Huh."'
Growing up my dad was like, 'Zach, it's not what you say, it's how you say it.' And he's so right. Take this, for instance: She had a crack-baby vs. she had a crack, baby.
I didn't want to join the Cub Scouts, my father made me. I was willing to join the Cub Scout Reserves.
I've never hit my mother. I tried to hit my mother once. She looked at me and said, 'If you ever hit me, that'll be the last thing you ever do.' And I knew she was dead serious just by the way she cocked that gun to my head.
It was tough growing up in Florida because all my friends were retired.
It seems like I was always the last person picked for a sporting event. I don't know why that happened. It was so unfair. They take the two most popular kids; they get to be captains. We're in the third grade -- they're already getting laid.
Barbie had all of these great accessories. She came with a Dream House. Tammy came with a straight razor with band-aids to cover the cuts on her legs -- what a loser.
I played clarinet in the marching band and I was fat, which was horrible because we used to sell these candy bars for the band so we could go on band trips at the end of the year. They would give us a huge box of candy bars at the beginning of the...
Bar mitzvah was a good day in my life -- made more money that day than I think I'll ever make again.
I got hit with a ruler first day of kindergarten -- for smoking pot. Because if you bring it, you need to bring enough for everybody.
How good could I look? I've got head gear on, glasses, a back brace, and a little thong up my butt.
Grew up in a small town where there was only one crazy guy. He didn't even go insane doing anything good, like going to 'Nam or having an extended acid trip. Turns out -- legend has it -- he just had some bad cheese.
I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember -- I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.
I was in Philadelphia -- a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love -- like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.
I used to hang out with the wrong crowd. You know what I'm talking about -- the Amish.
Here's another sign of getting older, boy: you find yourself saying and doing things your parents said and did. You can't help it. You turn right into your folks, right? I'm saying stuff my dad would say to me. He would say stuff like, 'I want you...
Where I grew up in Oklahoma City, I was one of only three minorities. There was me, a black guy and a smart guy.
I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.
