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When I was a kid, a terrorist act -- that was like when someone would take a dump in the swimming pool at the YMCA during summer camp. That was a terrorist act. That was the most evil thing you could do.
Jokes Tagged:
gross-out (692),
growing up (287),
poop & pee (228),
history (142),
David Alan Grier (26)
If I ever commit suicide, here's what I plan to do -- you can use this -- I'm gonna fling myself off the top of a skyscraper, but before I do, I'm gonna stuff my pockets with candy and gum. That way, when I smack into the sidewalk, I'll burst like...
The amazing thing is, when you learn to masturbate in a shower, it only takes a minute before the rest of the team is kicking your ass.
Does anybody else's grandparents eat the fake food? My grandfather was the worst because he had bad eyes and he was always hungry. I'm in a restaurant one time, we go to the men's room -- my grandfather was standing by the condom machine going, 'Hey, this gum has got no flavor.'
They pulled out that dress, man -- they scared him, they scared him. That little dress with the DNA -- he lost it; he gave up the lie. But my thing is, who's going to believe a woman who keeps a nasty dress? They ought to toss that right out of...
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2512),
gross-out (692),
news & politics (658),
Bill Clinton (73),
Wanda Sykes (39)
You don't know what love is 'til you become a parent. You don't know what love is 'til you fish a turd out of the bathtub for someone, then have to act positive about it.
I don't like hairy guys, though. I tried it. I dated a little, hairy guy once. He'd take a bath at my house -- it looked like the sewer backed up.
I get in the dressing room. I'm in there like five, 10 minutes. She comes knocking at the door. I go, 'What?' 'You've been in there a while. Are you OK?' I open the door a crack. I said, 'No. Could you get me some toilet paper?'
I put a new pair of underwear on, I feel like a million bucks. I buy the Jockey ones because they're 100% cotton. You can breathe. You don't buy those Victoria's Secret things. Those things ought to come with a tube of Monistat.
Jokes Tagged:
men/women (1833),
health (812),
gross-out (692),
shopping (154),
fashion (132),
Margaret Smith (24)
The weirdest part of that whole story was that it was still there. I'm thinking, aren't there any dogs in that neighborhood? That thing would have been snatched up like that in my neighborhood. Some near-sighted cat would have dragged that...
Jokes Tagged:
men/women (1833),
animals (978),
gross-out (692),
news & politics (658),
Margaret Smith (24)
You know what I like to do on a night like this? Sit in my apartment playing my favorite apartment game: find the smell.
You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothing to do, I end up doing what? My penis in my fish tank, alright? Now, I did it just to show them who's boss. They were getting a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubbling. He's like, 'Wha?'
Women love mystery. That's what they like: little surprises. Tonight, when you go home, add a little mystery to your relationship. When your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor. Honestly -- hear me out -- there's nothing more mysterious...
If my face ever fell off, I would have the presence of mind to kill myself. I would not hang around -- Mr. Soppy Gobface, clingin' onto life.
They showed a show called, 'Fox's Most Shocking Medical Videos.' Did anybody see this show, 'Most Shocking Medical Videos'? OK, couple things -- number one: all medical videos are shocking. They're medical videos, for God's sake! There's no...
During the show, they kept trying to tell you, 'You're going to learn something about medical science. This is a very educational show.' No, this is all wet-ass-hour surgery, when the bottom has fallen through the basement, and some guy comes in...
Ever try to get those pictures from him? He won't give them to you. He's all weird about it, too, isn't he? 'No, those are mine.' Alright, you keep 'em, you freak. Bring 'em home, look at 'em late and touch yourself, see if I care.
You ever notice that when people are thinking in movies, they're always chewing on the end of their glasses? Like, 'If we give the alien a cold...'. You know what they're really thinking? 'This tastes likes wax.'
I got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago.
I'm trying to toughen up my image. I don't have any tattoos or piercings yet, but I do have a cold sore I've been ignoring.
