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You ever been telling a story in front of a group of people, and you realize right at the end of the story, it's a really sucky story? So to make it better, you lie at the end, you know? Spice it up a little bit: 'Yeah, so we're waiting there, and...
Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him.
"Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that...
"Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that...
One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense.
When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws, only catapults.
You ever say the wrong thing? Like maybe you pass someone you know on the street, unexpectedly, and as you go by, you're trying to play it cool, but you screw it up? And you accidentally answer the question that you thought they were going to ask...
You ever let someone call you the wrong name 'cause you just don't feel like correcting them? And six months later, you finally tell them? You're like, 'You know my name isn't John. It's Tom.' They're like, 'Why didn't you tell me that in the...
If something is inherently funny, it's relatable after the fact. Anyone who says, 'You had to be there,' should just not have told you the thing in the first place because it's not funny.
There are some people that are not fun people to go out and eat with. There's a type of person, wherever you go out, they want a bite of whatever you have. You know who you are. And they always lie, like, 'What is that? I've never had that before....
I want to take karate. I've got a friend that's been taking it for six months, which is a really dangerous amount of time to take karate because you get to that false confidence stage. You learn that one move; you think you're Bruce Lee. My friend...
I'm even in denial about the fact that I'm in therapy. I've just convinced myself there's a friend that I see once a week, and then I lend her $90, and she never pays me back.
My friends are trying to get me to go out on blind dates. Big 'NO' to that because all my friends are a bunch of lying geeks. They're always like, 'Brian, you're really gonna dig this girl. She's got Traci Lords' eyes, Michelle Pfeiffer's nose,...
A lot of my friends, when girls break up with them, they get all bitter and vengeful and take it out on the girl. They, like, call her at four o'clock in the morning, going, 'Bitch.' Like she doesn't know who it is? Yeah, for a second, she's like, 'Grandpa??'
I hate that show 'COPS.' You ever see that show? The thing about it is you can turn it on one day and see somebody who you know being arrested. That's embarrassing, man. Last week I seen somebody who I know, and I found myself cheering for him, man. I'm like, 'Run, George! Run!'
People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.
Three ladies go to an exotic male strip club.
One friend pulls out a $10 bill, licks it and sticks it on a stripper's left butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, the second friend pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it to his right...
One friend pulls out a $10 bill, licks it and sticks it on a stripper's left butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, the second friend pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it to his right...
Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor. When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill's wife isn't wearing any underwear.
Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some...
Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some...
Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.
Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is...
Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is...
A dying man gives each of his best friends -- a lawyer, doctor and clergyman -- an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin.
A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several...
A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several...
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
