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If something is inherently funny, it's relatable after the fact. Anyone who says, 'You had to be there,' should just not have told you the thing in the first place because it's not funny.
You ever say the wrong thing? Like maybe you pass someone you know on the street, unexpectedly, and as you go by, you're trying to play it cool, but you screw it up? And you accidentally answer the question that you thought they were going to ask...
You ever let someone call you the wrong name 'cause you just don't feel like correcting them? And six months later, you finally tell them? You're like, 'You know my name isn't John. It's Tom.' They're like, 'Why didn't you tell me that in the...
One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense.
When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him.
"Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that...
"Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that...
You ever been telling a story in front of a group of people, and you realize right at the end of the story, it's a really sucky story? So to make it better, you lie at the end, you know? Spice it up a little bit: 'Yeah, so we're waiting there, and...
I still believe in love. Actually, my friends say I love too much, because I did. I put my ex-wife on a pedestal. I thought the sun rose and set in her stankin' ass.
Breaking up is always hard to do, isn't it? I broke up. I recently broke up from my little honey bunny. I was distraught. I thought I was going insane. I lost all this weight, got all skinny. My friends were like, 'You look fabulous!'
I don't go out with my single friends -- not at all -- because I never have a good time, never have fun. We go to a club, a guy comes over -- 'Hey, can I buy you a drink?' They're like, 'No, she's married.' I'm like, 'Yeah, I'm married, but I'm...
The AIDS test is very scary to get. It doesn't matter what you've been doing, waiting for the results is frightening. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call my friend Brian, and I say, 'Hey Brian, do you know anyone who has AIDS? No? Cool, 'cause you know me.'
I wish they made a cinnamon roll incense because I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick and then have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
You know how your friends are all morons, and they got the stories wrong all the time? It's the same here with the Bible.
This friend of mine told me to get Quicken for my computer. He's like, 'Todd, you gotta get Quicken. Look man, I make graphs of my finances.' Wow. If I am reading this pie graph correctly, looks like you spent half of last year's salary on the...
I was at a bar with a friend of mine. This woman walks by, and he goes, 'I know that woman. She gives the world's fastest hand jobs.' I don't know -- maybe if she gives the world's best, you can fill me in. I don't need to know about the cheetah of the hand job kingdom.
You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor -- like you didn't know it?
I ran track, hung out in malls / Fred ran head first into walls. / I had girls and lots of clothes / Fred had names for all his toes.
One day talking to Special Fred / He grabbed a brick and he swung at my head / And as he laughed at me that's when I knew / That Special Fred just made me special too.
It's not that I don't care, I do / I just don't see myself in you. / Another time, another scene / I'd be right behind you, if you know what I mean.
