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How complicated can ice cream flavors be? How much can you put in there? I mean, when the flavor's something like banana ice cream with caramel, fudge chunks, cheddar goldfish and pennies -- you've got to draw a line there.
It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes, I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows?
Last year, the turkey weighed 185 pounds. It had a tattoo.
I was reading a Fig Newtons label -- I've always liked them, and I was trying to see if it was OK to eat them. Everything looked pretty good, the fat content and everything. So, I'm thinking I could eat these. I looked at the serving size: two...
I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.
I eat like a kid. I like Chef Boyardee, the ravioli. But they have some stuff I've never seen in the real Italian food world. You ever been in a nice Italian restaurant: 'Hi, how are you? Like to start with a nice bottle of Chianti and a couple of...
They got a restaurant called Hungry Jack's, but I didn't feel comfortable eating there. How good could it be? The guy who owns the restaurant is hungry. If it was called Fat Happy F**king Well-Contented Jack's, I'd eat there. But I wouldn't bring...
Have you ever noticed that there are few things in the world, short of actual material success, that can make you feel as powerful as eating an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting? Isn't that the weirdest thing? You eat half of it: you're a pig. You eat it all: you're the victor!
I like to go to fast food restaurants and order stuff they don't have. Got to try that. Go to Burger King or something -- 'Hey, Burger King! Have it my way, huh? Woo! Look at that menu... Ah, let me have the catfish dinner with brussel sprouts, two biscuits and a Coors Light.'
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops because to me a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage.
I like fruit baskets because a fruit basket enables you to mail somebody fruit without appearing insane.
You ever go into a restaurant -- whether you want a Coke or a Pepsi, they always have the other one?
The first thing I do after we order the pizza, I take off all my clothes. That way I don't have to answer the door when the pizza guy shows up.
Do you ever notice from the time you hang up the phone until the pizza guy shows up, the only conversation you have is 'Where in the hell is our pizza?'
The Dove Bar's like an 80-pound wad of chocolate on a toothpick. If you're not careful when you take it out of the package, you'll snap your wrists.
I get up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour, which makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
Think about it: nondairy creamer, two words that should not be used to describe the same product. Kind of like turkey bacon -- what the hell is going on on that farm?
I'm always talking myself out of cooking stuff that's really easy, too. Ya know, I'll be at home and I'll think, 'Ya know what I could go for? A tuna melt. That'd be good. Yeah, I'm gonna -- oh, I mean cereal.'
