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All of my relatives got old in one day. I came back this past year, everybody looks the same: they're all fat, bald, with a mustache. Men, women, kids -- I don't know who I'm talking to half the time.
We're driving along, and my father would go, 'How could they be so wasteful, throwing away perfectly good lawn furniture?' 'Daddy, I don't think they're throwing it out. Their drinks are still on the table.'
Does anybody else's grandparents eat the fake food? My grandfather was the worst because he had bad eyes and he was always hungry. I'm in a restaurant one time, we go to the men's room -- my grandfather was standing by the condom machine going, 'Hey, this gum has got no flavor.'
The only thing keeping him black is, every now and then, his father shows up: 'Hey, that's my boy, alright! Don't try to steal him now.'
I can hear my mother now: 'What? Oh, you gonna get a divorce? It's just that easy, huh? Things get hard, things get rough -- you just want to throw in the towel, just like that. Let me tell you something, that's a bunch of bull. Let me tell you...
I have nephews. They love spending time with us. T they love it because we let them do whatever they want to do -- they're not our kids, we don't care. 'Only thing I have to do is keep you alive, that's it.' They come visit us, man -- 'Oh what?...
I couldn't believe he came out of the closet at the reunion. 'Cause that's not coming out of the closet anymore, that's coming out of the apartment.
I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes...
My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him up because his name was Florence. He had to switch his name to Frank. And then this Christmas, he made an announcement -- he goes,...
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time -- you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'
My mom wanted to know why I never get home for the holidays. I said, 'Well, I can't get Delta to wait in the yard while I run in.'
I grew up the baby of eight kids. We grew up in a two bedroom house. My mom never had to worry about curfew. You came home late, you didn't have a bed. It was simple.
My father calls me up, he says, 'If you need cash, make a collect call from Hugh Broke. That way I'll wire you the money, but I won't have to pay for the long-distance phone call.' So, whatever, I followed his instructions. I made a collect call...
My father listens to those all-sports radio shows they have, and no matter how easy the trivia question is, he never gets it right. I mean the easiest question -- 'This former Yankee, known as the Sultan of Swat, once hit 60 homers in a season and...
My great-great-great-great grandfather was Mr. Potato Head.
Remember the old days? Grandma died -- you brought her in the backyard, and you buried her. Tract housing ruined that.
Know what I would like to do? I'd travel back to when my mom and dad had sex to have me. And I'd just run into the bedroom, right when they're doing it, and just spank my dad on the ass: 'I'm your son from the future!'
First job I had: Burger King. My brother got me the job; he was the manager. And you think that'd be cool, right? 'Cause he's my bro. But he was a dick. He thought he was the burger king.
If you have missing relatives, for free, 'Unsolved Mysteries' will go ahead and help you find that relative. And I'm just here to tell you that, so far, from what I've seen, if you do have a relative that's missing, I would just go ahead and leave them missing.
I'm from a very large family -- nine parents.
