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In the middle of the game, he jumps up. He starts screaming at the top his lungs, he's like, '80,000 people! 80,000 people!' I go, 'Papa, what's wrong?' He goes '80,000 -- and that bird had to sh*t on me.'
People say to me, 'Tammy, where do you get your material?' I go, 'I wake up.'
I had a weird day today. Are you ever walking down the street and you see some guy you kind of know, and you don't want to say, but you sort of have to because he's your dad?
I'm from a very large family -- nine parents.
This is the last card that I found. It's a New Year's card, but this is a little bit of a trick. You gotta watch for the subtlety. It's to my mom, from my dad. So it says, 'Have a Happy New Year.' Watch for the subtlety -- to my mom, from my dad...
Do you know what retired parents are like? They're like telemarketers that you can't hang up on. They refuse to take you off their call list.
I come from a long line of cowards. In fact, my family crest is just a picture of a lion disappointingly eating a meal he didn't order.
A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin....
The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin....
After his wife had a baby, the new minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister...
When the next child arrived, the minister...
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey, Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's...
"That's...
A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert...
His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert...
My brother -- he's 17 -- he calls me up, and he's like, 'I'm gay.' I was like, 'What?' I had the thesaurus out. I'm like, 'You mean festive, right? Gregarious. One who is predisposed to fits of frolicking?'
You move out of college, where do you go? A lot of people move in with their parents, huh? I wasn't that pathetic. I didn't move in with my parents. I moved in with my sister.
I grew up in a house full of women. I had three sisters. And you know women, when they live together, they get on the same cycle, so when they would have their period, it was like there was a nuclear explosion in my house.
I still live at home with my mom -- loser. But I'm not stupid, you know. Now that I'm an adult, I tell the ladies I let my mom stay with me.
I've been here eight months. I have been in two earthquakes, a race riot, floods and fires, and I left New York because I couldn't handle my mother.
He's like the nicest man in the world. He could say something nice about anybody -- I mean, anybody. So finally one day I got fed up with it. I said, 'Alright, Dad, what about John Wayne Gacy? Killed 35 people, buried them under the house.' My father goes, 'Well, he's not lazy, and he's a home owner.'
My parents have been together for over 40 years, y'all. Ain't that something? That's a long time. Yeah, they're getting married next month, so we're looking forward to that.
I'm Irish. I'm not self-hating Irish. I don't dislike other Irish people. But I'm sorry, I don't automatically feel connected to someone just because they're grandparents also had sex in a field during a potato famine.
