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I'm from a very large family -- nine parents.
Do you know what retired parents are like? They're like telemarketers that you can't hang up on. They refuse to take you off their call list.
I had a weird day today. Are you ever walking down the street and you see some guy you kind of know, and you don't want to say, but you sort of have to because he's your dad?
This is the last card that I found. It's a New Year's card, but this is a little bit of a trick. You gotta watch for the subtlety. It's to my mom, from my dad. So it says, 'Have a Happy New Year.' Watch for the subtlety -- to my mom, from my dad...
In the middle of the game, he jumps up. He starts screaming at the top his lungs, he's like, '80,000 people! 80,000 people!' I go, 'Papa, what's wrong?' He goes '80,000 -- and that bird had to sh*t on me.'
People say to me, 'Tammy, where do you get your material?' I go, 'I wake up.'
I come from a long line of cowards. In fact, my family crest is just a picture of a lion disappointingly eating a meal he didn't order.
All of my relatives got old in one day. I came back this past year, everybody looks the same: they're all fat, bald, with a mustache. Men, women, kids -- I don't know who I'm talking to half the time.
We're driving along, and my father would go, 'How could they be so wasteful, throwing away perfectly good lawn furniture?' 'Daddy, I don't think they're throwing it out. Their drinks are still on the table.'
The only thing keeping him black is, every now and then, his father shows up: 'Hey, that's my boy, alright! Don't try to steal him now.'
I couldn't believe he came out of the closet at the reunion. 'Cause that's not coming out of the closet anymore, that's coming out of the apartment.
I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes...
My mom wanted to know why I never get home for the holidays. I said, 'Well, I can't get Delta to wait in the yard while I run in.'
I grew up the baby of eight kids. We grew up in a two bedroom house. My mom never had to worry about curfew. You came home late, you didn't have a bed. It was simple.
My father calls me up, he says, 'If you need cash, make a collect call from Hugh Broke. That way I'll wire you the money, but I won't have to pay for the long-distance phone call.' So, whatever, I followed his instructions. I made a collect call...
My father listens to those all-sports radio shows they have, and no matter how easy the trivia question is, he never gets it right. I mean the easiest question -- 'This former Yankee, known as the Sultan of Swat, once hit 60 homers in a season and...
My great-great-great-great grandfather was Mr. Potato Head.
Remember the old days? Grandma died -- you brought her in the backyard, and you buried her. Tract housing ruined that.
Know what I would like to do? I'd travel back to when my mom and dad had sex to have me. And I'd just run into the bedroom, right when they're doing it, and just spank my dad on the ass: 'I'm your son from the future!'
