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This is the last card that I found. It's a New Year's card, but this is a little bit of a trick. You gotta watch for the subtlety. It's to my mom, from my dad. So it says, 'Have a Happy New Year.' Watch for the subtlety -- to my mom, from my dad...
I had a weird day today. Are you ever walking down the street and you see some guy you kind of know, and you don't want to say, but you sort of have to because he's your dad?
I'm from a very large family -- nine parents.
I come from a long line of cowards. In fact, my family crest is just a picture of a lion disappointingly eating a meal he didn't order.
In the middle of the game, he jumps up. He starts screaming at the top his lungs, he's like, '80,000 people! 80,000 people!' I go, 'Papa, what's wrong?' He goes '80,000 -- and that bird had to sh*t on me.'
People say to me, 'Tammy, where do you get your material?' I go, 'I wake up.'
Do you know what retired parents are like? They're like telemarketers that you can't hang up on. They refuse to take you off their call list.
I grew up the baby of eight kids. We grew up in a two bedroom house. My mom never had to worry about curfew. You came home late, you didn't have a bed. It was simple.
This is a card I sent my sister Gina. I drew a picture on the cover just in case she didn't know what she looked like. In case you guys don't know what she looks like, she has 45 teeth and a rare condition where her nostrils are slightly below her nose, and she's always holding a pennant that says 'Gina.'
George looks like -- he's like the crazy uncle that you got when you had problems in the neighborhood. 'George, I just got jumped down 16th street.' 'Come on, we'll go smoke 'em out!'
My father calls me up, he says, 'If you need cash, make a collect call from Hugh Broke. That way I'll wire you the money, but I won't have to pay for the long-distance phone call.' So, whatever, I followed his instructions. I made a collect call...
My father listens to those all-sports radio shows they have, and no matter how easy the trivia question is, he never gets it right. I mean the easiest question -- 'This former Yankee, known as the Sultan of Swat, once hit 60 homers in a season and...
My great-great-great-great grandfather was Mr. Potato Head.
When I was a kid, I had this one aunt who used to always call me by my brother's name -- I mean, a million times, every time I saw her. Finally, I just snapped. I said, 'You are the biggest simpleton idiot pinhead I've ever met.' She got all upset, called my parents, told on me. My brother got screwed.
Now that I'm a dad, I'll call my dad, ask for advice. He always says the same thing, 'How'd you get this number?'
From time to time, my mother puts on her wedding dress. Not because she's sentimental, she just gets really far behind on her laundry.
I'm not too crazy about my relatives. I love my immediate family. But don't you look at your relatives, and you can't believe you're actually related to these people? I give blood four times a year just so I'm less and less related to these people.
My niece is a sophomore at West Point. She's already had five majors -- and three captains and two lieutenants. She's a very slutty young woman.
You know, the thing about your family is you're connected forever by blood relation to a group of folks who are really not your kind of people.
