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I want to be an alien. The movie 'Aliens' -- isn't that the best, those aliens? You don't mess with those aliens. They're bad-ass looking. They're always wet and sh*t. You don't mess with that. If I got on the subway like that, you wouldn't mess with me.
They know they're smarter than us, too, because we've been beaming 'COPS' into outer space.
This is something that happened to me, and a lot of people think I'm crazy and I'm making it up or whatever, but six months ago, I was abducted by aliens. It's not funny. They beat the crap out of me. I couldn't get away -- I don't speak Spanish.
What's the one thing that everybody associates with alien abduction? Anal probe. What -- aliens don't have MRI's?
White people, y'all are the only people to ever see aliens. I'm telling you, it's true. I was watching something about sightings. You never see blacks and Hispanics on sightings. You don't see that. You want to know why? I'm going to tell you why...
I don't believe in them because it's always the same circumstances, the same type of people, the same situations. It's never a black guy; it's never a Hispanic guy; it's never a physicist from the Netherlands -- it's always some dumb white f**k in the middle of nowhere.
Everybody from the North thinks everybody from the South is just sitting around, barefoot, wearing overalls, eating grits, watching 'Hee Haw,' listening to country music, drinking Jack Daniel's, going to tractor pulls, wearing trucker caps,...
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