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I have such a dilemma. There is a guy at my gym with no legs, and I feel really awkward around him every time I see him. So I tried to make a connection. I said, 'Hey Dan. Working on arms again today?'
I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies -- and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta bring the heat.
My sister's a personal trainer. That's a tough job. I don't think I can do that. You gotta help people with their fitness goals. 'Can you help me define my abs?' 'Yeah -- disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.'
You can't go from my level of activity into a marathon. Maybe a good start for me is not taking the car to get the mail.
A gym is just a PE class that you pay to skip.
I went and watched the New York City Marathon. It goes right by my apartment in Brooklyn, and I went with a group of friends. And all my friends are cheering for the runners; they're like, 'Whoo! Good job! Way to go! Keep it up, you're lookin'...
I don't think she loves me. I think she's just having sex with me for the exercise, so when she meets a guy she's in love with, she's still in good shape. Here was a clue. We're doing it, and all I'm hearing is 'Oh, Chuck, more -- and four more...
Running is never fun. Running is something you do when there's a man chasing you with a knife.
There's one guy yelling at me in there. I've never even met him, he's going nuts: 'C'mon man, you gotta want it! C'mon, man, push it now! Come on! Push it now!' I'm like, 'Hey man, one guy per stall.'
I like working out, but I can't stand the characters in the public gym. No matter what city I'm in, there's always the same people in there. There's always that one guy that's figured out the quickest way to look real big without actually training...
You ever do the Lifecycle? You know, you're on there for hours. It's a stationary bicycle: you pedal, you go nowhere for hours. They should call this the 'get a life-cycle.'
Every gym, the water fountain situation -- always the same. There's always one water fountain everybody uses, then there's one three feet below it, next to it, no one touches. Who's it for? What little midget treasure trolls at your gym?
If you join a gym, you gotta go a lot for it to work. I don't know how these gay guys do it. It's unbelievable. Every gay guy I know is built like a bodybuilder. When did that start happening? That's totally gonna change the stereotype, right?...
Friends of mine freak out when I tell them I'm a good cook... Why would you be that surprised that I can cook? I'm a big boy. I can cook. It kind of goes hand-in-hand. You should be that surprised if I tell you something like, I don't know, I teach aerobics.
I am going to be sentenced to the StairMaster ring of Dante's 'Inferno,' where I have to get on a StairMaster, and they're going to tape my feet to the pedals. And I realize that StairMaster time is, in fact, the slowest increment of time known to...
I quit because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it -- like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.
I saw a lady a few weeks ago at my gym... She was on the stationary bike, wearing a helmet. I was like, I have to do something here to mess with her; there's gotta be something I can do. I started looking around. I went to the pool, and I grabbed...
Joggers tell you that when they run, they get a runner's high. I'm not sure what they mean by that, but if they mean puking all over myself and collapsing, I was pretty wasted.
They're always asking each other what part of the bodies they're working out that day. They're like, 'What are you working out today?' 'Back and bis. What are you working out?' 'Ass and head.' I had no idea. First time I went, they were like,...
They always want to give you a spot, too. And they yell at you, like, 'All you! All you!' I'm like, 'Some you -- it's too heavy -- a little bit me, mostly you.'
