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I used to have my own car, but it got stolen off the street because I live in New York City and I parked it. I didn't know the rules when I got there. I had a 1980 Chevy Chevette. Somebody stole that. What were they thinking? The only reason I...
I don't know why that's so hard to do. I think I would go through a less thorough background check if I was adopting a baby. How much information do they need to hand over the keys to a 10-year-old Geo Metro with 900,000 miles on it? I have a bicycle at home with a higher blue book value.
I went to the gas station the other day, and the gas station attendant said he was a former porno movie star. And I think he was serious because half through filling the tank, he pulled it out and sprayed it all over the car.
A lot of times, I'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake.
When I was on acid, I'd see things like beams of light and I'd hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
Don't drink and drive unless you gotta get home fast.
If I had woke my dad at two in the morning and told him he had to come pick me up 'cause I was too drunk to drive home, my dad would have said, 'Well try, anyway. How many beers have you had? Six? What are you, a pussy? Get in that car. Pick up your mom on the way home.'
I'm trying to become environmentally correct. I got an electric car... They're so cool, it's great. It's in the shop now. We're having a gas engine put in it.
Safety was not a big thing when I was growing up. A seatbelt was something that got in the way. I'd be like, 'Ma, this seatbelt's digging into my back.' 'Well, stuff it down into the seat. What are you, mental? Roll those windows up. You're letting the smoke out.'
I saw a truck out here today. On the side of the door, it said, 'Driver has no cash.' I'm broke too. I don't plaster it all over the side of my car.
Now in Florida, when the light turns green, that means you can what? Go! And you -- you walk across the street, you know. You don't look for cars to kill you, do you? You walk across the green. In New York, green don't mean nothing.
Police don't just pull you over right away. They follow you. They follow you for like 10, 15 blocks, and you're like, 'Damn.' You just want to get out of the car: 'Just give me the ticket! Stop messing with me! OK, I ran through a red light -- take it!'
Why do we talk like that to the police? Why do we come up with words we've never used? Suddenly we are Harvard graduates when we talk to the police. We super-educated: 'How you doin', officer? The reason I was exceeding the speed limit was due to...
I bought a car when I moved to Los Angeles 'cause I've never seen a bus. Oh, they have the stops, but the bus never comes by. You'd think L.A. was filled with homeless, but it's just people waiting for the bus.
Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
In the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds.
You know what they should do? When you walk in the door, they should have somebody hiding just punch you in the face. 'Cause at least after, you can be like, 'Ah! Alright, well, waiting in line's not so bad after the punch in the face!'
My mother always sits in the front passenger seat because she likes to have the legroom. You know, I could have a mute, paraplegic friend who needed a ride somewhere, and my mom will still sit in the front passenger seat because she wants to have...
I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.
I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could they be any more vague? What if a light came on and said, 'Problem'?
