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Here's another one: 'Needless to say.' 'Needless to say, we had a terrific time tonight.' Needless to say? Then don't say it. 'Well, it goes without saying.' Then shut up.
I think graffiti is the most passionate literature there is. It's always like, 'Bush sucks. U2 Rules.' I wanna make indifferent graffiti. 'Toy Story 2 was OK.' 'I like Gina as a friend, but I'm not sure about taking things further.' 'This is a bridge.'
Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'
I'm not politically correct. I still say 'black,' I do. Because 'African American' -- there's no bonus; it's not going to make your life any easier. You don't see black people standing around going, 'Woo yeah, African American. Man, I tell you,...
Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots -- that's what they want to do, try and find their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the mother...
All I knew about Ireland before I went there was what I learned from watching soap commercials all my life. I was totally misinformed. I thought it was an Irish tradition where you don't even take a shower with your soap -- you take your soap for...
The British don't want to be embarrassed about anything. They could have their pants around their ankles, and they're going, 'Do you feel a draft?'
Keep mixing the races until we're all the same grayish color -- then there'll be no more racism, once we're all the same shade, man. 'Hey, gray!' 'Who you callin' gray, gray?' And then we'll actually be able to hate someone for the person that they are.
The thing I love about it is its diversity. I never knew there were so many ways to say, 'f**k you.'
There's no 'brothers' when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio -- I don't know that guy.
The Chinese food in China is not better than the Chinese food here, mostly because of differences of definitions of words that we have -- like, for example, 'beef.'
So, I get 'The Book of Questions,' and I think it's a trivia book... I open it up: 'Would you give up the use of your limbs and the ability to urinate so the people of Chad could eat for a year?' Who gave me this? What is this? So then, I look in...
Walter: I could get a real job.
Jeff Dunham: What would you do?
Walter: I want to be a greeter at Wal-mart.
Jeff Dunham: Wal-mart, huh? What would be your opening line?
Walter: 'Welcome to Wal-mart. Get your s**t and get out. Have a nice day'.
Jeff Dunham: What would you do?
Walter: I want to be a greeter at Wal-mart.
Jeff Dunham: Wal-mart, huh? What would be your opening line?
Walter: 'Welcome to Wal-mart. Get your s**t and get out. Have a nice day'.
A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.
I'm over in Chinatown, everyone's speaking Chinese. What a beautiful language that is. The rhythm, the cadence -- it's like a song. I'm standing in Chinatown, and I'm thinking to myself, 'I don't speak Chinese,' but I figure, if I try, I gotta be saying something, right?'
Tequila -- that's what makes you drunk right there; that's what'll get you drunk in the bar. You see, I think that's what the world's divided up into. It's not a man/woman thing or a black/white thing, it's a tequila thing. I think there're people...
Be happy with your stereotype. Asians -- that's the stereotype I want. Being the smartest person in the world? You're the smartest, what are you complaining about? You know what I get? 'Waaasuuup?'
I'm Italian... Sometimes people come up to me and they'll be like, 'In Italy, it's pronounced 'Bir-Bee-Lya.' And I'm like, 'In America, you're annoying.'
How can you not love the Spanglish? I love it -- twice the vocabulary, half the grammar.
