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Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'
Here's another one: 'Needless to say.' 'Needless to say, we had a terrific time tonight.' Needless to say? Then don't say it. 'Well, it goes without saying.' Then shut up.
I think graffiti is the most passionate literature there is. It's always like, 'Bush sucks. U2 Rules.' I wanna make indifferent graffiti. 'Toy Story 2 was OK.' 'I like Gina as a friend, but I'm not sure about taking things further.' 'This is a bridge.'
I see my Nubian princesses hiding over there. Hey, I'm Italian, baby. Italian, black, it's all the same thing: gold chains, big asses and Cadillacs.
A lifelong dream of mine is to go into an Amish neighborhood and just go up to an Amish child and show him 'Star Wars.' Like, 'This is happening!' And just run away.
The thing I love about it is its diversity. I never knew there were so many ways to say, 'f**k you.'
The Chinese food in China is not better than the Chinese food here, mostly because of differences of definitions of words that we have -- like, for example, 'beef.'
-- Duct tape won't fix that.
-- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
-- We don't keep firearms in the house.
-- You can't feed that to the dog.
-- The kids can't ride in the back of the pickup -- it's just not...
-- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
-- We don't keep firearms in the house.
-- You can't feed that to the dog.
-- The kids can't ride in the back of the pickup -- it's just not...
All I knew about Ireland before I went there was what I learned from watching soap commercials all my life. I was totally misinformed. I thought it was an Irish tradition where you don't even take a shower with your soap -- you take your soap for...
So we go to this club and from the git-go, we were so out of our element. I mean we were walking up to the front door of the club and we're all reaching for our wallets and the doorman goes: 'Please...'. We looked like we were filming a Flomax commercial.
And, see, all this stuff is turning me into this guy I don't want to be: that grouchy old, get-off-my-yard guy. Remember that guy? He was like 'Ah get off my yard! I hate everyone. I hate kids'. It's making me this grouchy guy and I don't want to...
I'm in my fifties now, which is a cool age. I love being in my fifties because people gotta listen to you now; you've been around for awhile. Now, the other side of that coin is that -- cause you're in your fifties -- you still care what people...
I'm not politically correct. I still say 'black,' I do. Because 'African American' -- there's no bonus; it's not going to make your life any easier. You don't see black people standing around going, 'Woo yeah, African American. Man, I tell you,...
Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots -- that's what they want to do, try and find their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the mother...
Walter: I could get a real job.
Jeff Dunham: What would you do?
Walter: I want to be a greeter at Wal-mart.
Jeff Dunham: Wal-mart, huh? What would be your opening line?
Walter: 'Welcome to Wal-mart. Get your s**t and get out. Have a nice day'.
Jeff Dunham: What would you do?
Walter: I want to be a greeter at Wal-mart.
Jeff Dunham: Wal-mart, huh? What would be your opening line?
Walter: 'Welcome to Wal-mart. Get your s**t and get out. Have a nice day'.
--If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth eating.
-- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try...
There's no 'brothers' when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio -- I don't know that guy.
Is there any indication we shouldn't be depressed? Are you living on the same planet that I am? Do you ever think that depression might be the reasonable human response to the crap we're going through as a species, meant to propel us into the next...
Some rap and some country is just people with no schooling talking about exactly what happened to them that day. That's all it is. In country, it's like, 'I woke up, something bad happened, I got drunk.' You know, it's usually something like that....
