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Here's another one: 'Needless to say.' 'Needless to say, we had a terrific time tonight.' Needless to say? Then don't say it. 'Well, it goes without saying.' Then shut up.
Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'
I think graffiti is the most passionate literature there is. It's always like, 'Bush sucks. U2 Rules.' I wanna make indifferent graffiti. 'Toy Story 2 was OK.' 'I like Gina as a friend, but I'm not sure about taking things further.' 'This is a bridge.'
Q: What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.
"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.
Just then, a minor communist party...
"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.
"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.
Just then, a minor communist party...
Jeff Dunham: You're afraid of offending people?
Achmed: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: You're a terrorist. You kill people.
Achmed: That's different. Killing people is easy; being politically correct is a pain in the ass.
Achmed: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: You're a terrorist. You kill people.
Achmed: That's different. Killing people is easy; being politically correct is a pain in the ass.
Walter: I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen some of these guys? What, cops on bicycles? How intimidating is this: 'Alright buddy, pull it over. Ching-ching-ching'? What do they do when they arrest somebody? 'Alright, get in the basket'.
Jeff Dunham: Well if reincarnation happens, who would you come back as and what would you do?
Walter: I'd come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone.
Walter: I'd come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone.
Jeff Dunham: Well, did they say it would be only female virgins?
Achmed: Holy Crap! Wait... I could have Clay Aiken!
Achmed: Holy Crap! Wait... I could have Clay Aiken!
Peanut: I think it'd be cool to be a ventriloquist.
Jeff Dunham: Why's that?
Peanut: I'd go to a lot of funerals. 'Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today' 'I'm not dead yet! Let me out of here! You son-of-a...'
Jeff Dunham: Why's that?
Peanut: I'd go to a lot of funerals. 'Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today' 'I'm not dead yet! Let me out of here! You son-of-a...'
Yeah, he turns towards me and he sneezed. There was no blockage. There was no hand over the mouth; there was no burying the arm, there was; there was no the thing-where-you-try-to-make-someone run-away-like-you're-about-to-turn-into-a-werewolf --...
He sneezed. Debris. Movement. Okay, now at this point, I'm disgusted. And I'm grossed out by it. And at first, I'm thinking 'I'm going to go off on this guy'. And then I decided, 'Wait a second, Dane. Don't do that. Take the high road. Try to be...
I appreciate the fact that Obama is the 'tech President'. I kinda like that, isn't that kinda cool? You see him, he's on his Blackberry. I'm like 'Is he playing BrickBreaker right now?'. He does like YouTube updates. Doesn't that have to be cool?...
I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I...
There's only really been one time in my life that -- and it was recently and it actually was with a waitress -- she froze my brain. It was really interesting how she did this. She froze my brain. I've never eaten at this restaurant before and she...
So we go to this club and from the git-go, we were so out of our element. I mean we were walking up to the front door of the club and we're all reaching for our wallets and the doorman goes: 'Please...'. We looked like we were filming a Flomax commercial.
And, see, all this stuff is turning me into this guy I don't want to be: that grouchy old, get-off-my-yard guy. Remember that guy? He was like 'Ah get off my yard! I hate everyone. I hate kids'. It's making me this grouchy guy and I don't want to...
I'm in my fifties now, which is a cool age. I love being in my fifties because people gotta listen to you now; you've been around for awhile. Now, the other side of that coin is that -- cause you're in your fifties -- you still care what people...
So I stayed in a hotel in Calcutta. The oldest hotel in India, it's three hundred years old. ...So I get to my room. And I can't get to sleep now, 'cause I'm a bitch. The guy just told me the hotel is haunted! I'm scared. 'Cause I started doing...
