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And why are they coming so early? They're picking up garbage -- it's not going to go bad again.
People in Brooklyn wear their hearts on their sleeves. 'Excuse me, sir, I'm lost.' 'Glad I'm not you!'
L.A. is a very confusing place, only place I know where you can have, simultaneously, a drought and a flood. Every time you watch the weatherman, he goes, 'Rained all day, didn't help the drought. Back to you, Tom.' I got news for you, folks. If water doesn't solve your drought, you're screwed.
There are 10 million stories in Big Town, 8 million people -- somebody's lying.
I live in Bushwick. I'd say East Williamsburg, but I'm not listing it on Craigslist just yet.
New York is a funny place. I was at the coffee shop last week, and I'm paying the cashier for my cup of coffee, and the other girl got sprayed by the espresso machine with the hot milk. And her shirt was burning her, and so she just ripped it off....
I love it out here, 'cause you guys have personality. There's a lot of character; there's energy out here. I live in L.A., and you can't even say 'Hi' to people in L.A. -- people can't handle that. Here, it's cool, you can say whatever you want....
I'm from New York, so I thought everybody had Tourette's.
You give me a tree that can live off glass, cigarette butts and pebbles -- that's a real tree. No this 'I need sunshine' crap, no way. Our trees come up -- the branches are in the shape of middle fingers.
Some New Yorkers were pissed off when Kmart came to town. They were outside the store protesting. They didn't even know what to say. They were like, 'Down with Kmart and their merchandise that people can afford. Down with Kmart and their 300...
I've got to tell you, that's a gorgeous four-and-a-half hour drive in from the airport.
Pedestrian's rights -- because we live in California, I've got to address this issue. I don't know where on the fence I am about that. I suppose if I'm walking, I'm all for it, but if I'm driving, that's a whole other can of worms.
Marion Barry's a good friend of mine. I love him; he's a good pal. I was in Washington, D.C. about a year and a half ago, and Marion Barry meets me at the airport -- gives me the kilo to the city.
I'm in New York a couple of weeks ago, true story -- guy trying to steal my tires got run over by the guy trying to steal my car.
I was in Philadelphia -- a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love -- like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.
The girls are beautiful in Hollywood -- and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
This guy comes at me, 'Hey can you help me out? I'm starving, man. I'm starving!' I'm like, 'Hey, do you see a chef's hat on my head? What am I supposed to do, whip you up a Rueben on the sidewalk? There's a pigeon a foot away with a loaf of bread. Go bust his balls -- he's a bird; he's doing better than you are.'
She was a prostitute and a temp. Like, that's how expensive New York City is -- turning tricks is not enough money, you have to know Word and Excel.
The first ticket I got in Manhattan I thought was a misprint. I'm like, 'No, this has got to be a mistake.' You put a quarter in the meter out there and it runs out, it's a $55 fine. That's a little excessive. Now, I could see it if you parked in...
How much does MapQuest suck? I got so burned by MapQuest. Last weekend, just for the hell of it, I typed in my address, 76th Street, and that I wanted to go to 77th Street. MapQuest told me to get on the Garden State Parkway.
