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New York is a funny place. I was at the coffee shop last week, and I'm paying the cashier for my cup of coffee, and the other girl got sprayed by the espresso machine with the hot milk. And her shirt was burning her, and so she just ripped it off....
I love it out here, 'cause you guys have personality. There's a lot of character; there's energy out here. I live in L.A., and you can't even say 'Hi' to people in L.A. -- people can't handle that. Here, it's cool, you can say whatever you want....
People in Brooklyn wear their hearts on their sleeves. 'Excuse me, sir, I'm lost.' 'Glad I'm not you!'
You give me a tree that can live off glass, cigarette butts and pebbles -- that's a real tree. No this 'I need sunshine' crap, no way. Our trees come up -- the branches are in the shape of middle fingers.
I'm from New York, so I thought everybody had Tourette's.
There are 10 million stories in Big Town, 8 million people -- somebody's lying.
L.A. is a very confusing place, only place I know where you can have, simultaneously, a drought and a flood. Every time you watch the weatherman, he goes, 'Rained all day, didn't help the drought. Back to you, Tom.' I got news for you, folks. If water doesn't solve your drought, you're screwed.
And why are they coming so early? They're picking up garbage -- it's not going to go bad again.
Every year, I go home, and I always go back to my old neighborhood and walk around. Everybody's standing on the street corners holdin' their nuts. Everybody -- in the middle of the day -- 'What's up, man? Motor City all up in it, yo.' And these are the women!
I moved to L.A., so, you know, I joined a gym, because it was either that or a gang.
People are rude in New York, aren't they? You get a lot of this in New York: 'Hey, baby. Come on, baby.' You know, I don't like women like that.
Now in Florida, when the light turns green, that means you can what? Go! And you -- you walk across the street, you know. You don't look for cars to kill you, do you? You walk across the green. In New York, green don't mean nothing.
You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.
Some New Yorkers were pissed off when Kmart came to town. They were outside the store protesting. They didn't even know what to say. They were like, 'Down with Kmart and their merchandise that people can afford. Down with Kmart and their 300...
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate...
I bought a car when I moved to Los Angeles 'cause I've never seen a bus. Oh, they have the stops, but the bus never comes by. You'd think L.A. was filled with homeless, but it's just people waiting for the bus.
Have you ever had somebody not ask for directions but demand them. You're just walking down the street, you hear a horn -- some guy's like, 'Holland Tunnel!' You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions; suddenly, you're wasting his time. 'Let's go, buddy -- Holland Tunnel!'
I love New York, though I'll never eat any of the ice creams that they sell in the park. That's just disgusting. You see the little picture of them? They all have a little bite taken out of them already.
They haven't written ghost stories from Brooklyn. I think I can understand. Ghosts are sort of getting together and saying, 'This is just not worth it.' I get that, too. It'd probably be tough to haunt a guy who's looking at you like, 'Yeah, you...
Something always happens to let you know you're back in New York -- like the way people order in a restaurant: 'Could you take my order before Jesus gets back? What's the matter with you? I've evolved into another species here, you understand? I...
