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This one homeless guy came up to me the other day, and he was asking me for money. I was about to give it to him, and then I thought, 'He's just gonna use it on drugs or alcohol.' And then I thought, 'That's what I'm gonna use it on. Who am I to judge the guy, really?'
Guys don't buy you free drinks like they used to. They don't. Remember the good old days? You'd go to your local bar, and the bartender would come over and say, 'Excuse me, ma'am, the gentleman way over there in the corner, he would like to buy...
I don't go out with my single friends -- not at all -- because I never have a good time, never have fun. We go to a club, a guy comes over -- 'Hey, can I buy you a drink?' They're like, 'No, she's married.' I'm like, 'Yeah, I'm married, but I'm...
I feel bad for people who have never been addicted to anything, because they're the real losers. You want to know why? Because they don't know what it's like to really want something -- and then get it again and again and again.
When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's...
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
Don't drink and drive unless you gotta get home fast.
If I had woke my dad at two in the morning and told him he had to come pick me up 'cause I was too drunk to drive home, my dad would have said, 'Well try, anyway. How many beers have you had? Six? What are you, a pussy? Get in that car. Pick up your mom on the way home.'
You're in a bar -- grow up. You're drinking poison. You're trying to have sex unsafely with someone you don't know. Is secondhand smoke really the chiefest of your health concerns at this point?
You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothing to do, I end up doing what? My penis in my fish tank, alright? Now, I did it just to show them who's boss. They were getting a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubbling. He's like, 'Wha?'
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers. They are obviously alcoholics.
Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
When you don't drink, people always need to know why. They're like, 'You don't drink? Why?' This never happens with anything else. 'You don't use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it OK if I use mayonnaise?'
I want to be a bloated alcoholic. That's my goal -- it is, I'm serious, because there is no other disease that is more fun than alcoholism. I know it has its downside, but I'll tell you, there's no other party disease like alcohol.
I love that red wine is good for you. Isn't that cool? I want to hear more of this. I want to hear more things in life like, 'Red wine, in conjunction with a lap dance, while watching NFL football, is the best cardiovascular workout you can have.'
Daddy likes porno and $10 whores / Daddy gets wasted and robs liquor stores / Daddy likes rubbing against little boys on the bus / I think that's why your mommy left us.
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2512),
alcohol (479),
marriage (412),
parenting (384),
laws (223),
Stephen Lynch (6)
Please don't cry / I swear I'll try to be here by your side / Right after Daddy gets home from the bar / Visits his bookie and steals a new car / He'll drive to the strip club and if Daddy plays his cards right / He'll bring home your new mommy tonight.
This woman comes over to the bartender. She didn't want to offend him, so she orders an African American Russian. What the hell is that?
Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'
