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I did a benefit for a feminist organization. Now benefit means 'no money,' so I should be able to say what I want to say. And I figured if I pissed them off, who cares? What, they're going to get mad and pay me? So it's all feminists -- Gloria...
Comedy Central, they told me I had to watch my language because, the woman said, they had 'standards and practices.' I was like, wait a minute -- you're Comedy Central. Aren't you the network where your number one show is a cartoon with a talking piece of sh*t?
I'm not politically correct. I still say 'black,' I do. Because 'African American' -- there's no bonus; it's not going to make your life any easier. You don't see black people standing around going, 'Woo yeah, African American. Man, I tell you,...
Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots -- that's what they want to do, try and find their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the mother...
The only thing keeping him black is, every now and then, his father shows up: 'Hey, that's my boy, alright! Don't try to steal him now.'
As soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, I read, 'Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament.' Oh, OK -- 50/50: he's 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, I'm flipping through Sports Illustrated, and I...
When you get married, you stand there and you say ''Til death do you part.' That's what you say in the marriage vows -- make that vow, stay together forever. The divorce rate is sky high, so everybody's just lying their asses off. Why don't we...
I'm gonna tell you right now -- somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke.
I know every time I fly, I get checked twice: they stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. And last time, it was so bad, they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage.
Our air quality's all messed up now. Knew that was coming when they lowered the emissions standards. Knew that was gonna happen when he appointed Christine Whitman head of the EPA. Yeah -- the governor of New Jersey is head of the Environmental Protection Agency. Do you know how dirty New Jersey is?
Who we fooling? The pope is old, y'all. It's time to start thinking about putting the pope in an old pope's home.
L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.
Florida has so many strip clubs, they need to change their state flag to just a brass pole.
People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.
For guys, sex is like going to a restaurant, and no matter what you order off that menu, you walk out of there going, 'Damn, that was good!'
My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party. I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.
Man, if I spent $400 for a gun, I am shooting somebody. I am not letting a $400 gun go to waste. And I know me -- I get annoyed easily, you know, so I'm the wrong person to have a gun. I mean, I would shoot people in my house that I invited over. 'What'd you say? That was stupid. Let me go find my gun.'
I was visiting my brother earlier today, and he's childproofing his home. I didn't understand that. He's going around putting little covers over the electrical outlets and all that stuff, and I'm like, 'How the kids going to learn about electricity, huh?'
I was hanging out with my little nephew, and the kid -- he had a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads, some shin guards, gloves. Talk about, 'I'm a go ride my bike.' I'm like, 'Where -- through a mine field?'
Every now and then, I like to give out some advice. Ladies -- don't laugh during the porno watchin'.
