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You ever feel like you get a little extra money, run into a few bonus bucks somewhere -- and then something happens right away to just suck it right out of your hands? Has it gotten to the point where you can't even take the anxiety of having...
I even shaved above the knee for this one, you guys. Woo-hoo! I am feeling saucy now. You ever have somebody talk you into shaving the whole thing off? God, it looks so stupid. I look like a great big naked baby.
I have five sisters -- just body-conscious to the point of ridiculousness. My youngest sister was in a car accident one summer; now she's OK. The girl was in a coma for two weeks, hooked up to all these machines, fighting for her life, and we're...
I have a doctor's appointment on Monday. I'm not even sick -- it's just that I've been working out, and I want someone to see me naked.
I found myself looking at myself in the mirror, naked. Twenty-two-year-old boy sees me naked, he'll go, 'Well, that's what an older woman looks like, I guess.' Twenty-two-year-old girl sees me naked, she'll go, 'I better start taking care of myself. Never too early to moisturize.'
You hit your 30s and you're still single, you'll look around and feel like you missed out on the first round draft picks. That guy who couldn't dance now looks awfully cute carrying a diaper bag. Now we gotta wait for trading season.
If it weren't for women, I'd have all the men I need. I'd be Sheena, Queen of the Jungle. You'd be my loyal subject -- not for sex, just to fetch me stuff. You could bring me food, 'cause if I'm gonna be the only woman on Earth, fat's coming back in style.
Maybe Mr. So-and-So isn't coming up to us 'cause he knows it's gonna cost him $10 bucks just to say hello, and we're gonna tell him to f**k off. And if we don't tell him to f**k off, it's gonna cost him another $20 to get the wrong phone number.
My brother has two daughters -- disappointed he doesn't have a son to carry on his name. I said, 'Jerry, our name is Smith. Wake the hell up -- our name's being carried on in hotel rooms all over the country.'
You finally meet a guy who buys you flowers and opens the door for you, and you go, 'F**kin' wimp. Mama's boy! Go on back to Mama. Send me back somebody who will treat me like sh*t.'
I was going through men like they were freakin' Kleenex. I was like, 'Woohoo! You're too tall and you can't dance and I don't like the pleats in your pants. La la la la la la la.' The next thing you know -- you're 30 years old, and your Kleenex is...
I'm 34 years old. I thought I'd be divorced by now.
She calls me up in the middle of the night. She says to me, 'Tracy, I can't believe that I actually have a person inside of me.' I said, 'So do I. I'll call you back.'
You can get any kind of surgery imaginable in this town, too -- and they do it -- holy sh*t: Botox and collagen and vaginal rejuvenation. Oh my God, what -- vaginal rejuvenation? How the hell do I know when that looks old? Who do you trust with...
One of my sisters is pregnant for the fifth time. Spent 10 minutes with her four kids, and my ovaries tied themselves in a knot.
Jokes Tagged:
men/women (1718),
health (734),
kids (630),
family (349),
parenting (335),
Tracy Smith (15)
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