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You do things in a hotel you would never think about doing in your own home. As soon as that door shuts, pants come off. Drop stuff on the floor -- I ain't picking that crap up.
You've never seen a cat have sex. Nobody has. The Discovery Channel hasn't caught that.
You ever been on the highway, and your side's just cruising, no problem? The other side is backed up miles and miles in traffic. It's a good feeling, isn't it? I don't even enjoy the guy stuck in the middle as much as the guy who's 10 miles back who doesn't see it coming.
They smoke for 60-70 years, then they show up, 'I had no idea it was bad for me!' Come on. You're breathing in fire. What did you think you were doing, training for the circus? Even if they didn't put a label on the pack, you would know it's bad...
It was an arranged marriage, put together by drugs and alcohol.
Love my girl, happily married. Fell in love with her the minute I saw her place.
Ask anybody over 30 -- if they tell you they have more than 10 friends, you know they're counting co-workers.
They always say they want to get back at Americans by blowing up the subways. Have you been in the subways? There's hardly an American down there.
Vagina? That sounds like something you call in sick with.
I always thought I was going to have just one kid because if you have more than one, then you've got to decide which one you like better. That's always mean. It's true. Parents always lie about it. 'Oh, we like you all the same.' No, you don't....
Hard alcohol is the only thing you put in your body that actually comes with a story. It's like, 'You want some tequila?' 'No, dude, the last time I had that....' It doesn't happen with anything else. 'Do you want some jelly beans?' 'No. The last...
Pet people have lost their minds. They used to be a nice part of society. Now, they get right in your face. If you don't like pets, they act like you're a monster. 'You don't like pets? You're so mean.' Really, I'm mean? I'm not the one keeping a...
We have a newborn at home. God bless you ladies for getting pregnant more than once. You're insane. My wife's breasts quadrupled in size. They're F's -- D's are fun; F's are scary.
They basically look around, they're like, 'Alright, life is a game. I obviously have no chance of winning. I quit; I'm not playing anymore. You get dressed up and go to work everyday? Fine. I put peanut butter on my lips and talk to squirrels.'
There's a guy in my neighborhood, he spray paints his whole car all these different colors, fills the inside up with empty coke bottles to the roof. He drives around -- his head looks like a hairy prize inside a gumball machine. What's on his...
The only thing you have to focus on in your 20s is not getting a bad tattoo. You don't want to be 40 going, 'No dude, it was different back then. Everyone loved SpongeBob -- everyone.'
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.
My wife wants to go away and swim with the dolphins now. How spoiled a society have we become that we're swimming with the dolphins? What -- are we all Roman emperors at this point? 'I feel like swimming. Get me a dolphin -- now! Yes, and put some sunglasses on him and a silly hat.'
We always think we're better than the other guy, always, and we're not. We're no better than anybody else. When I'm on that bus, looking across the aisle at a guy in a Santa hat and goggles, and he's looking back at me, we're both thinking the...
You ever been on a bus, watching a guy run for it? You're not rooting for him. You don't want to see him make it. You want to see his arm go up, his ankle give out, and drop out of view -- because that's funny. It's fun watching other people suffer. It's evil, but it's funny.
