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I have met the most annoying person on Earth -- it's the guy who sat next to me during all three Star Wars movies and said in my ear, 'That's new!'
Well, I saw that it happened again -- another postal worker went crazy with a gun. I think if the postal service had any balls, they would issue a series of stamps commemorating all the people who have been killed by mailmen.
Q. Whaddya call a vampire whose car breaks down three miles from the blood bank?
A. A cab!
A. A cab!
Q. What did SpongeBob's mother say to him when he failed his driving test again?
A. Soak it up
A. Soak it up
Q. Why did SpongeBob hold the piece of paper over his behind?
A. He wanted to make sure he covered his butt.
A. He wanted to make sure he covered his butt.
Q. What did Plankton say when his cousin said he was coming to visit?
A. I'll keep an eye out for ya!
A. I'll keep an eye out for ya!
I've got a parakeet. I've had him for, like, three years; I should know him. He always gets weird before a quake. Like, before this last one, he was in the car with the motor running.
For years, 'Star Trek' fans have been going, 'Don't make fun of us, we're just like normal people.' No, you're not! You're freaks! It's that show -- there's never been a mass suicide by fans of 'That Girl' or 'Green Acres.'
The best part of the Miss Teen USA Pageant was the interview question, the verbal essay question. That was great because the question was, 'If you could interview any historic American, who would it be and why?' Talk about a deer in headlights,...
One of the contestants actually gave this answer, and I'm quoting, 'If I could interview any historic American, I would have to say George Washington because he invented democracy, and democracy is awesome.'
There were some things I liked about 'Titanic.' I loved the characters of the band. I wanted the whole movie to be about them. They went out of this life and out of this plane of existence, and they shuffled off this mortal coil, doing what they...
When I saw 'Titanic' there was actually some teenage girls behind me, like, bitching that it had a sad ending. When you're going to see a movie called 'Titanic,' you could pretty much factor that in. 'Oh my God, the ship is going to sink, that is...
