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Comedy has always been in my blood. The hepatitis is brand new.
I used to belong to AA, but I had to quit that because -- I don't know if you know this, but their drinking policy is really strict.
I love Florida. It's my favorite state because it's shaped like a penis peeing on the Caribbean.
I was riding a horse and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it -- and everyone on the carousel freaked out.
We say stupid stuff -- 'He looks down his nose at me.' Well, of course, we all look down our nose. If he could look up his nose at you, either he'd be a freak or you'd be a booger.
Bright-eyed and bushy tailed.' What the hell is that? Bright-eyed and bushy tailed is a squirrel on crack -- that's what that is.
Last weekend I went to go see my little niece's tap dance recital. I got thrown out. Alright -- so maybe I shouldn't have stuffed those dollar bills in her unitard, but she was good!
I was on Oprah Winfrey once, but the cops pulled me off of her, and now she's pressing charges.
When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.
This morning, I woke up, and I could feel tension mounting. Tension's my dog.
Laughter was always the best medicine in my family because we couldn't afford health insurance.
In her will, my grandmother stipulated that she wanted to be buried with all of her favorite possessions. Her cat was not happy about that decision.
My grandmother spends all her time out in the garden -- because that's where we buried her.
You know who I hate when I fly? The rich people in first class, because they get to board the plane first, and then, we have to perform our little poverty parade past them.
My court appointed psychiatrist told me I need to learn to love myself, and I'm like, 'Doc, I'm up to three times a day as it is.'
You know you haven't had sex in way too long when little things start to arouse you -- like sticking your key in the ignition.
I believe in late-term abortion, like all the way up to 5th grade, because some kids suck.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs -- remember this one? One hot chick and seven middle-aged midgets. That's a porno film, isn't it?
We don't call anything what it is anymore. In college, I was a partier. All my friends used to say, 'Cotter, you're a partier.' Now, I'm a problem drinker. When did that happen?
I love the homeless people, is that so wrong? That's what we call them now -- the homeless. When I was a kid, what did we call them? Bums and hobos and tramps, but that wasn't sensitive enough, was it? So now they're the homeless and, next year,...
