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I'm a big, black, thug, mean-looking dude. It's messed up my whole life. I can't do normal stuff, like I can't ride in an elevator with, like, a little white lady. I make any sudden movements, she goes screaming and pressing the red button, like,...
I think, when you go to an ATM machine, there's a certain distance you should be the hell away from me while I'm putting my pin code in. In New York, y'all like jacked up, right on my back. I'm like, 'Excuse me, could you get your penis off my back?'
The mice climbed up the back of the refrigerator. They ate the protein bars. Now, I got these super-strength, genetically-altered mice running around my house, moving furniture out of the way. They are so massively big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.
I went to buy a pair of shoes two days ago. Mind you, I think shoe salesmen are idiots. I just want to put that out there. I went to get some shoes, and I said, 'Could I have these in a 12.' And he comes back and goes, 'I got a nine and a...
Guys are so rude in New York. You could go out with your girlfriend to the club. You, holding her hand -- another dude will walk up and hold her other hand.
Once you sleep with a guy, you have always slept with a guy -- you cannot take it away: you sleep with guys. There's nothing you can do. There's no manly thing you can do. You can start wearing a loincloth, walk around with a sword and an axe,...
I got that whole thug-gangsta-rap-hip-hop-baggy-pants thing going on. I really don't want the baggy pants -- I just can't find no damn pants that fit me.
I ain't a black dude. I ain't a brotha -- not the ones that y'all is used to. I grew up rich. Both of my parents were doctors; we were loaded. I don't know nothin' about the struggle. I ain't never had to keep it real. I ain't never had no...
Women, here's a little advice on getting in the shower with men: 'No! No! No!' You know why we hate it? Because we don't ever get wet 'cause we end up in the back of the shower. While y'all up under the hot water, we in the back putting dry soap on.
Israel's been a country for 50 years. You think they could have picked a better place to put their country, not right smack in the middle of 30 Muslim countries. That's like me going to a Ku Klux Klan meeting and getting mad about it.
We're so creepy. We don't even know you until we sleep with you. Until we have sex, we have no idea who you are. Once we get sex, we get clarity. We start seeing stuff we didn't see in the beginning. Like, 'I never knew you had one leg -- this is...
You go to the gym, right, and they got a machine for every body part. You know -- they got something for the legs, the arms, the back. But you know, you can't walk up to the trainer and be like, 'Where's the man-tit machine at?'
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