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Did you ever argue in a relationship so much, that's how you remember where you were -- 'Didn't we argue here once?'
Some lady told me the other day that I look like John Goodman. She goes, 'You look like John Goodman.' Then she goes, 'A thin John Goodman.' Like that's gonna make me feel better. I should have said, 'You look like a pig. No, a thin pig.'
Oh my God, how cute is puppy breath? If I could meet a girl with puppy breath, I'd marry her. Twelve tits wouldn't be bad, either.
Did you ever walk by the people in first class? Don't they have an attitude? 'Sorry, I didn't mean to look at you. I'm just a piece of sh*t heading into the poor area.'
They look at you like, 'We get on the plane first, and we get our drinks first.' You hit the mountain first, too, OK?
Now when you check into a hotel, they ask you if you want a non-smoking room. If you don't smoke, doesn't it automatically become a non-smoking room?
My dad used to always threaten to turn the car around... 'We're halfway to Florida. Go ahead, I dare you.'
Jokes Tagged:
family (349),
parenting (335),
travel (277),
growing up (259),
driving (241),
Todd Glass (7)
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