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Those Grammy Awards, man, it's always famous bands that win those. You never see some poor, struggling, unknown, garage band. That'd be nice -- 'And the album of the year goes to The Cheesewillies. They couldn't make it here tonight because their...
I did a show in Pittsburgh. A woman runs up to me after the show, all smiling, and she's like, 'Oh my God, you were so much funnier live than you were on Comedy Central.' And I just wanted to say to her, 'You know, I bet your comments are better televised.'
I have a website. It's got my e-mail address on it. So now, I get e-mails from all over the country, and people have unbelievable questions. They'll be like, 'Dear Todd, I'm going to see your show in Columbus, Ohio. Do you know how old you have to...
I am weird about words, though, man. Some words freak me out for no reason. When people say 'fridge' instead of 'refrigerator,' I want to climb up on top of a water tower and pick people off with a shotgun.
What is the deal with the reservoir tip? Reservoir? Isn't that a little grandiose term for a quarter-inch plastic bubble? It's like, 'Oh honey, I hope it doesn't break. I don't want to contaminate the ground water.'
Some New Yorkers were pissed off when Kmart came to town. They were outside the store protesting. They didn't even know what to say. They were like, 'Down with Kmart and their merchandise that people can afford. Down with Kmart and their 300...
They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp.
I discovered a great store this past holiday season: The Body Shop. Oh my God, that is the perfect last minute thoughtless gift warehouse.
This friend of mine told me to get Quicken for my computer. He's like, 'Todd, you gotta get Quicken. Look man, I make graphs of my finances.' Wow. If I am reading this pie graph correctly, looks like you spent half of last year's salary on the...
Some guys go crazy with the masturbation. I was reading this article on this thing, autoerotic asphyxiation. Some guys actually choke themselves with a belt while they're doing it. I read like 800 men a year die from doing this. I was like, 'No...
I was at a bar with a friend of mine. This woman walks by, and he goes, 'I know that woman. She gives the world's fastest hand jobs.' I don't know -- maybe if she gives the world's best, you can fill me in. I don't need to know about the cheetah of the hand job kingdom.
Can you imagine putting 'The Real World' on your resume? That would backfire right in your face. Ten years down the line, you're at a job interview, and the guy's like, 'Oh, you were on "The Real World." I used to watch that show. Hey wait a...
I heard that Brad Pitt ain't a big fan of taking showers. I heard this on 'Hard Copy,' so it's not like I'm just blurting something out irresponsibly.
Let's say Brad Pitt hasn't showered in a year and a half, then he runs the Boston marathon. After he comes across the finish line, he trips and falls into a giant pile of pig sh*t. Me, on the other hand, I've taken a shower; I've put some lovely...
I ran into a friend of mine in the street I hadn't seen in a while. He's a pastry chef. I said, 'Hey, what's going on?' He was like, 'Ugh, I gotta go to France to go to chocolate school.' What ever happened to, 'Not much. How 'bout you?'
I saw a woman on the street wearing a t-shirt that said, 'Nurses Kick Butt.' I don't want a nurse who kicks butt. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of pumped up healthcare workers. I don't want to be lying in the operating room -- the door gets...
I can understand no wallets at Old Navy, but no ties? What am I supposed to wear with my mock-ribbed turtleneck and purple camouflage cargo pants? I've got a funeral to go to.
I just got a new apartment, people. You guys can all come stay. Twenty-three bedroom apartment, seriously. Every bedroom has a baby grand piano in it. Sitting next to the baby grand piano, I swear to God, a regular size grand piano. Architectural...
I've been hanging out with too many couples, hanging out with the 'We agree on everything' couple. They pretend to share the most obscure opinions in the world. You'll ask them about a movie they saw, 'Hey, did you see that new Harry Potter...
I was dating a woman. Before we had our first little sex talk, she actually said this to me -- she goes, 'Todd, I've had anal sex before, but, uh, don't ask me who it was with.' I think if I made a list of every question I'd ask before that one, it would be a list of every question.
