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I did a show in Pittsburgh. A woman runs up to me after the show, all smiling, and she's like, 'Oh my God, you were so much funnier live than you were on Comedy Central.' And I just wanted to say to her, 'You know, I bet your comments are better televised.'
I have a website. It's got my e-mail address on it. So now, I get e-mails from all over the country, and people have unbelievable questions. They'll be like, 'Dear Todd, I'm going to see your show in Columbus, Ohio. Do you know how old you have to...
I am weird about words, though, man. Some words freak me out for no reason. When people say 'fridge' instead of 'refrigerator,' I want to climb up on top of a water tower and pick people off with a shotgun.
What is the deal with the reservoir tip? Reservoir? Isn't that a little grandiose term for a quarter-inch plastic bubble? It's like, 'Oh honey, I hope it doesn't break. I don't want to contaminate the ground water.'
Those Grammy Awards, man, it's always famous bands that win those. You never see some poor, struggling, unknown, garage band. That'd be nice -- 'And the album of the year goes to The Cheesewillies. They couldn't make it here tonight because their...
I ran into a friend of mine in the street I hadn't seen in a while. He's a pastry chef. I said, 'Hey, what's going on?' He was like, 'Ugh, I gotta go to France to go to chocolate school.' What ever happened to, 'Not much. How 'bout you?'
I saw a woman on the street wearing a t-shirt that said, 'Nurses Kick Butt.' I don't want a nurse who kicks butt. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of pumped up healthcare workers. I don't want to be lying in the operating room -- the door gets...
I can understand no wallets at Old Navy, but no ties? What am I supposed to wear with my mock-ribbed turtleneck and purple camouflage cargo pants? I've got a funeral to go to.
I just got a new apartment, people. You guys can all come stay. Twenty-three bedroom apartment, seriously. Every bedroom has a baby grand piano in it. Sitting next to the baby grand piano, I swear to God, a regular size grand piano. Architectural...
I've been hanging out with too many couples, hanging out with the 'We agree on everything' couple. They pretend to share the most obscure opinions in the world. You'll ask them about a movie they saw, 'Hey, did you see that new Harry Potter...
This guy's like, 'We've got to have the death penalty because prisons are like hotels.' 'How are they like hotels?' 'They're like hotels because they've got the color TVs, man.' 'Oh, like in hotels.' They have to have color TVs in prison, people....
I'm a single guy myself. I was reading the personal ads. I saw one that said, 'Single white female, 27, herpes: mild.' I don't know if we use the same rating system for social diseases as we do for taco sauce.
I made myself a good dinner tonight. I used a wok. That is a great thing to have. With a wok, in the privacy of your own home, you can create your own mediocre Chinese food for 50 cents less than ordering take-out. I'm standing over this thing,...
I never understood the concept of summer school. The teacher's going to go up there and go, 'OK, class, you know that subject you couldn't grasp in nine months? We're going to whip it out in six weeks.'
I used to be a substitute teacher. That's a crazy job. They call you up at six o'clock in the morning. They wake you up. Then, they ask you if you'd like to come in to work, and you can say no. My first year of teaching, I made $72.14.
I had sex with a woman. I took out the box of condoms. She takes the box from my hand, looks at it, and goes, 'Hey Todd, good choice.' Now, I didn't expect her to be a virgin, but this is no time to show brand loyalty.
I was dating a woman. Before we had our first little sex talk, she actually said this to me -- she goes, 'Todd, I've had anal sex before, but, uh, don't ask me who it was with.' I think if I made a list of every question I'd ask before that one, it would be a list of every question.
I'm a Jewish guy. Saw another Jewish guy on the street wearing a pink yarmulke. I walk closer, not only was it a pink yarmulke, it was made to look like a slice of watermelon. I think if God is so easygoing he tolerates your summer fun pink watermelon yarmulke, he'd probably be cool with no yarmulke.
People ask me all the time, 'Todd, when you're on the road at these comedy clubs, do you hit on the waitresses?' People, I'm a professional, and I have a policy. I will not hit on the wait staff until every opportunity in the audience has been exhausted.
She's like, 'Todd, are you gay?' I said, 'What about my act made you think I was gay?' She looks at me, and she goes, 'Hmm -- your timing.' My timing? I have gay timing. What a bizarre comment about a comedy act. But then I started thinking about...
