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We came up with Earth Day so we would have one day every year that would remind us what planet we were living on.
Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
I've been spending a lot of time in casinos because, apparently, I have a gambling problem. But I have learned something important to pass on to you about how to deal with casinos when you're there. Go get $100 in quarters when you arrive. Then,...
I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you can't stand it. It has to be that way. What about a headline like this: 'Hippo Eats Dwarf'? How good is that? You read that headline,...
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If...
We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons -- let's find it!
What does the word 'meteorologist' mean in English? It means liar.
He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.
The great part about Crisco is you never get burnt because, when you start to sizzle, you move your ass.
Oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it's harder than curling, and if you're good at it, you deserve a medal.
What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows; a Republican sucks.
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate...
I'm thrilled that the American people stopped him from running this time. As a citizen, I'm happy about that, but as a comic, I weep.
I cannot believe the American people listened to H. Ross Perot. You don't listen to a guy who looks like the kid in 'Deliverance' all grown up.
In my life time, I went from an Eisenhower to a George W. Bush. I went from a John Kennedy to an Albert Gore. Now, if that is evolution, then I believe in about 12 years, we're gonna be voting for plants.
Some of the commercials are spectacular. They're extraordinary. They're like mystery stories. You don't even know what they're selling until the very end: three rabbits are on a log, and one of them goes home and hangs himself -- 'Buy a bike!'
The Super Bowl this year was kind of interesting because they ran three and a half or four hours of 'A Salute to America,' brought to us by the NFL. So by the time they were kicking off, I was actually sick of freedom; I pined to be enslaved.
Halftime at the Super Bowl is the best because halftime at the Super Bowl has gotten exponentially worse every year. I use the word 'exponentially' because I was taught it in math class and that was the first sentence I could use it in. 'Exponentially worse' means crappier and crappier and crappier.
Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer. And you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable! How...
People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and that's a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation. Most Jewish families don't make it past the fourth day. It doesn't happen -- 'Come on, aren't we going to light the lights?' 'Eh, no. Enough's enough.'
