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Because I'm a genius, I went to Las Vegas in mid-July. I went there because the flight to the sun was all booked up.
You take a glass, and you wrap it in paper, and you put it in the box. You take another glass; you wrap it in paper, you put it in the box, and you finish the box. You close it and you write, 'Glasses' on it. But after about two days, you just...
Isn't that -- at my age -- isn't that illegal? I mean, isn't that like me hanging around in front of a grammar school with a van and a kitten? Dirty.
I relate to men so much, I thought maybe I should date women. And then I thought, what would I want in the perfect woman? And I think it would have to be -- a penis.
I moved to L.A., so, you know, I joined a gym, because it was either that or a gang.
We get all the uncomfortable crap. We get all the S&M stuff. We get the high heels to make us easier to hunt.
I can't even tell you what I did to my head. It would have been equally effective as if I'd gone to McDonald's and said, 'You know, I'd like an order of fries, but don't put them in the bag. I'd like to bob for them, if that would be OK.
You sit in your driveway with all your sh*t. 'Does anybody want to buy my crap? It's been kind of a rough year.' And it's not even your good crap, either. It's the stuff you don't want. It's like, 'I broke this in '74, but I thought you might be able to clean it up and make it real nice.'
I made a casserole last week. The only trouble is when I wanted to take it out of the oven, I realized I don't even own any oven mitts. But luckily, since I'm a sports fan, I had a couple of those #1 foam hands, which makes your casserole presentation oh so much more dramatic.
You know when I think it's hardest to be a girl? I think it's summertime -- hot weather. For a woman, it's hard to maintain the high vertical clearance on the poofy do in hot weather, especially if you have one of those bitchin'...
I buy a bathing suit every year. Why? Because I can't get enough of the act of humiliation, ladies and gentleman. Generally, guys, do you buy bathing suits every year? No, of course not. You're guys. You cut off a pair of slacks, call it summer.
And now I'm getting older, so my mom wants grandchildren. I said, 'Mom, go for it.'
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