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Oh, look at me, I'm a big scary lobster! I can't be stopped -- unless of course you have a rubber band on you! You know you suck as an animal if you can be shut down by office supplies.
Who cares about Russia? What did they ever give us, really? That stinkin' dressing? We had ketchup and mayonnaise the whole time, people.
I broke up with this girl by e-mail. Is that a bad way to do it? I don't know what made her more mad -- that I did it by e-mail, or the fact that I cc'd my new girlfriend who wanted proof of the breakup.
All I could think was 'Oh, that pizza's getting cold. At least put it in the oven. He's bending you over the stove anyway.'
I had to fight this guy because he was calling me names from across the street, right? Then he calls me 'chicken' -- screw that, right? Instead of proving I'm not chicken, I crossed the road to get to the other side.
You ever see a shooting range in a cop movie? What color is the guy on that sheet of paper that they're shooting at? Why don't you just paint a FUBU jacket on while you're at it?
Have you seen the baby knapsack with the kid hanging in the front? Could that possibly be safe? Yeah, that's good because when you trip, you want a baby airbag to break your fall.
The homeless guy gives you the speech, and he walks past you with the cup, and you're coincidentally going into your pocket, but not to give him money -- that's kind of an awkward moment. I was like, 'Aw dude, dude, I was just changing the song on my $600 iPod. Sorry, dude, I gotta get one that rocks.'
I'm sure the inventor of the ski mask had the best of intentions. He just wanted to keep your head warm on a brisk ski slope, that's all he wanted. Who knew 80% would be used for armed robbery and rape, who knew that?
There were 79 unprovoked shark attacks last year. 'Unprovoked' -- do we need that word in there? Are there people provoking shark attacks? Is there some dick from Jersey in the water: 'Hey shark, you freakin' lookin' at me? You got a problem or somethin'? I got somethin' for you to bite right here!'
I think I'm bipolar because, when I get drunk, I dress up like a white arctic bear and I have sex with men and women.
Here's a tip for you when you find out they're a prostitute. Here's what I do -- I go, 'Oh my God, you're a prostitute? What a coincidence. I am also a prostitute. I'd be willing to waive my fee, if you would also waive yours.'
You see those cell phones that have the little earpiece, so you don't have to hold the phone? You can't tell who's insane anymore, am I right? I'm walking down the street, some guy's looking right at me, 'Hey! I worked all day. You pick up the...
I took some drugs a couple days ago. My buddies wanted to play football, and I knew my throwing arm was going to be way off, so I took that Levitra -- you know, that drug that helps that guy throw the football through the tire in the commercial?...
We were all thinking the same thing on 9/11, right? 'Those g**damn Wright brothers, I knew this was going to happen!'
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