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If you're ever walking down the beach and you see a girl dressed in a bikini made out of seashells, and you pick her up and hold her to your ear, you can hear her scream.
I went out last night, and I got back at the hotel at 7:30 this morning. I went up to the desk to leave a wake-up call for 7:00. The lady goes, 'Mr. White, it's past 7:00.' 'No, the next one. You got another one coming around, don't you? Why don't...
Why are you a vegetarian?' I asked him. And it wasn't even because meat is bad for you. He said that raising cattle was bad for the planet -- with cow flatulence in the ozone and the clearing of land for the raising of cattle. 'What are you doing to help the environment?' 'I'm eating the cow.'
If you ever miss one, it's because the bullet's moving too fast. Slow the bullet down to 55 miles an hour, put some headlights and a little horn on it -- the deer will actually jump in front of the bullet.
I call her. She tells me my dog, Sluggo, just took a dump on the new carpet. I'm like, 'Shoot him.' She goes, 'That's just like you, Ron. I have a genuine problem, and you're being sarcastic.' 'Alright, honey, I'm sorry. Put the dog on the phone. I'll talk to him.'
The veterinarian had the audacity to say to me, 'Mr. White, if you'll just come on back here, we'll show you how to do this, and next time, you don't have to bring in the dog. You can just bring in the semen.' 'That's OK. You go ahead and jack off the dog. He follows me around too much as it is.'
Listen to me when I tell you this: we're all gay; it's just to what extent are you gay. He goes, 'That's bullsh*t. I ain't gay at all.' I'm like, 'Yeah you are, and I'll prove it to you.' He goes, 'Fine. Prove it.' I'm like, 'Alright. Do you like...
In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.
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