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She had a wooden paddle, hand-carved, hung it on the wall. It said, 'F**k psychology.'
I love those restaurants because they cater to fat people. They know fat people are showing up. You walk in; they're like, 'Hey, we took chicken and put cake in it. Is that cool?'
I love the dessert menu there, too, because it's so ridiculous. They actually take a color photo of the dessert, which is unnecessary. It's a photo like it had its own photo shoot day. It's almost a fat guy porno mag at that point.
Do you ever play a video game with your girl? I don't like playing because she just wants to have fun. 'Let's just have fun.' 'No, it's a ninja game. I learned technique. I've played for nine months. People know my name.' You play with your girl,...
I'm officially fat, too. I have tits. And the way I found out was so uncomfortable: I was having dinner with a buddy of mine -- I actually caught him staring at my tits.
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men/women (1718),
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Robert Kelly (11)
I'm an XL. I have to go in, I have to try a shirt on, go have lunch, and then try it on again. I'm not kidding. I bought a snakeskin leather jacket; it said XL. I just bought it, took it home. I've never worn it in four years because I still can't zip it, and if I could zip it, I'd just look like a snake eating me.
Jokes Tagged:
lookin' good (489),
weight/obesity (342),
shopping (135),
fashion (114),
Robert Kelly (11)
I sleep fully naked with socks. I think it's sexy as hell. I don't know why she's complaining. I'm talking tube socks from 1978 -- they come up to my knees; I look like Olivia Newton John in the 'Let's Get Physical' video -- that's how hot I'm...
She actually got a poem to help remind me to wipe the seat when I'm done. It says, 'If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.' That made me so mad, I wanted to pee in her pocketbook.
I'm 36; I play video games. Do you know how disappointed my girl is? Three o'clock in the afternoon, I'm in my underwear and socks with a headset and a microphone playing other nine-year-olds on the Internet.
I go to therapy now, too. He's such an ass. He really is. I told him I had problems keeping it up during sex, and his advice was to look my girl right in the eyes while we're having sex. That's great. How am I going to think of other chicks when I'm staring right at her?
After sex now is so disgusting. As soon as we're done, my girlfriend dismounts me like she's getting off a dirty bicycle, and then she just leaves the room. She won't even look at me. It's like she just had sex with a trucker for gas money.
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