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From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: I do love that Stewie character on your show. He's great. You made all your money 'cause you created a f**ked up criminal baby. You're like Michael Lohan.
From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: They say women's bodies are like a wonderland -- yours is more like a football field because it's 100 yards and a lot of black dudes have sprained their ankle on it.
From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: You look like Susan Boyle f**ked Snooki and then got hit by a truck.
From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: 'South Park' called -- they want their everything back.
From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: Of course all of Seth's cartoons are on FOX. I also love that AIDS documentary they've been showing. You been watching? It's called 'Glee.'
From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: David Hasselhoff's career has become such a huge disaster, I just saw an oily pelican fly out of his ass.
From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: You quit that cushy gig as a judge on 'America's Got Talent.' What's wrong with you, man? That was the worst career move since Mel Gibson bought his girlfriend that tape recorder.
From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: David Hasselhoff's d**k is like a Polaroid picture: nobody uses it anymore and shaking it does not make it appear faster.
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