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Streetcar Named Desire' -- it was the worst ever. It was -- 'A surprise visit from his sister-in-law throws off Stanley's bowling game.' Hey, let's watch that classic.
Even if I'm aroused, my penis is in the shape of a question mark.
When I was growing up, my mom would have a toast at the beginning of a reunion: 'You're killing your father.'
I wear ear condoms. I don't even want to listen to what I might be contracting.
I tried phone sex. I'm a hypochondriac -- look, I got an ear infection!
They flew me out in this plane that was only first class. It was all first class. It was the most psychotic thing I've ever seen in my life. The drinking that went on -- it was like Mardi Gras. The nose of the plane started to develop red veins.
If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.
I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.
Before I have masturbation, I say to myself, 'Break a leg.' While I masturbate, I actually fantasize that I'm somebody else. In fact, if I do it in different rooms, I actually feel that I'm cheating on myself -- which is sad.
If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.
We had our own Olympics and forget the color war. We had the colon wars, which was sort of sad. The rabbi was the head of the sports department, and he said, 'Let the injuries begin!'
She was wacko. She was an only child, but she still had a sibling rivalry.
We made love, and I thought she had an orgasm. I said, 'Well, did you have an orgasm?' She said, 'Yeah, but I was hoping for a series.'
She was an egomaniac. We would make love. She went, 'I only want to make love on my good side.' She would have an orgasm and say, 'I love me.'
There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.
I fall in love so fast. I come back after the first date, I tell my friends, 'She's unbelievable!' And they say, 'What did she do?' 'I don't know. I think she's a mammal.'
I usually meet people at my doctors' offices because I go all the time. It's embarrassing. Like at the skin doctor last week, in the lobby, the nurse said, 'Hi Mr. Lewis. Do you still have that rash on your behind?'
Little kids ask questions every second. She must have asked a thousand questions in one block, and finally, I panicked. She went, 'What are those clouds made of?' I'm an idiot anyway -- I go, 'Steam from a hot dog.'
My grandfather was a Jewish juggler. He used to close his act -- I was told -- he used to worry about six things at once.
