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I got sick of us losing all the time. So, I changed the name of our team to 'Off Constantly.' That way, at least every time we lost, at the end of the game, the other team had to run around the field celebrating, like, 'We won! We beat Off Constantly! We beat Off Constantly!'
Drugs are a lie. I don't know if you ever heard of GHB? They call it the date rape drug. I drank that crap all the time; I never get laid. It don't work.
I was in a pizza place today. I saw Scott Baio -- that dude could cook.
It's pretty cool being married, but you change. I used to love to hunt and shoot stuff and kill stuff, and then I got married, and now I'm more in touch with my feminine side. I still kill stuff; I just wear pumps.
I was gonna do that mail order bride thing. You don't know, because if you ain't home and your neighbor signs for her, she's out there mowing his lawn.
I thought I was gonna be famous. I did a show like this, and these producers came to watch my show. I got done; they were like, 'Come here for a minute.' I was like, 'Oh man, this is my big break.' The guy goes, 'Are you drunk?!' I was like, 'Duh, it's dark out, dumbass.'
I got one cousin, he's blind in one eye 'cause he tried to kill himself with a slingshot. I don't even know how you go about that, you know? He shot the thing off; it completely missed his head. His dad came in, saw what he was doing, thought he was so stupid -- poked his eye out.
I got a hangover. I'm stupid. I went out last night, and I started out the night shooting tequila, then for some dumb reason, I switched over to Goldschlager. Woke up this morning and pooped a Mexican coin.
This is something that happened to me, and a lot of people think I'm crazy and I'm making it up or whatever, but six months ago, I was abducted by aliens. It's not funny. They beat the crap out of me. I couldn't get away -- I don't speak Spanish.
I wish we'd all be nice to each other, you know. I do, especially in this country. I wish we'd get all the white people and black people and Hispanic people and Oriental people and Indian people -- come together as one. If you have hatred inside of you, beat the hell out of French people.
We're Scottish -- that's why I have a big-ass head, little wienie. It's a curse. I'm hung like a field mouse in a snow blizzard.
I don't know if you've ever lived with a pregnant woman before, but the whole time she's pregnant, she's walking around the house like, 'Oh my God, I gained 45 extra pounds, I sweat when I eat, and I vomit every morning.' I'm like, 'No kidding,...
They're having trouble now where women are beating up their husbands. Did you hear about that? It's gotten so bad that they even have a shelter for the men that get beat up. It's called 'Bed Bath and Beyond.'
Deep down inside, guys are jealous of you 'cause we know you're the only creatures God created to be loving and caring and strong enough to give us the greatest gift in the world and that's a human life. And I don't get laid at home unless I say that crap every night.
I taught P.E., and it was hot. I had to be outside, like, all day long, and I like to go out and drink at night. I had to stand outside in the sun, sweating like crazy. These damn little kids would be running up to me: 'You smell like my dad.' 'Well, your dad's an alcoholic.'
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