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I look at the world in a realistic way. Some people say the glass is half full; other people say the glass is half empty. I look at the glass and say, 'You know, if you fell on that it would shatter, and a shard of glass would cut your jugular, and you'd drown to death in a pool of your own gurgling blood.'
Every year around Lent, you have to give up something that's very important to you. One year I gave up Catholicism -- caught 'em on a technicality.
It's the Collegiate Abridged Dictionary -- the word 'chair' is in there. What does this say about education in America? Are we to assume that somewhere in some college there are kids sitting around in a dorm room going, 'Where the hell is my...
I don't think they know -- the cigarette companies -- what photograph is going to end up with what warning, 'cause I think they'd plan a little more carefully. I saw one I couldn't believe: these two women sitting on a porch swing, petting a...
I don't think I'm cynical. I guess I am -- that whole new age thing -- I can't. It's not for me. I found my inner child and sexually abused it.
I get peanuts on every flight. I'm on a plane -- all of a sudden, I gotta have peanuts? I go for months at a time without eating a peanut. What makes them think, 'We're in the air! Get them peanuts! Hurry!'?
There are very funny ways to die. You need a paradigm shift. You need to be creative, use your imagination. Did you ever see a photograph of a cruise ship at sea? Like in the beginning of 'The Love Boat,' that crane shot over the ocean that you've...
You can't tell who has anything. Anybody in this room could have some disease from another planet, you'd never know. I don't even masturbate anymore. I don't take chances.
Making love used to be spontaneous, intimate, sensual, passionate. Now, it's like working with plutonium.
If they taught masturbation when I was in school, I could have been the valedictorian.
The condoms, they got ribs and spikes and studs. Sometimes, they get a little carried away. You look at it and go, 'Are we having sex or driving through a snowy mountain road?'
If you're not having sex with somebody, you're not having sex with all the people they're not having sex with. You could catch virginity. That's just as good as being dead.
The Catholics have an interesting view of sex. Sex is disgusting, amoral and filthy, and you should save it for one you love.
Religion's basically show business. Church is theater -- they got costumes; they got hairdressing; they got lighting; they got fog machines. It's like an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, but with good music.
I had a little row with the stewardess on the plane, flying in here. I made the mistake of calling her, 'the stewardess.' 'No, sir, I'm a flight attendant.' I said, 'Mm, actually, you're a waitress with a death wish.'
We're in denial about death. It's unbelievable. Did you ever see these people? It's called cryonics. They have themselves frozen so they can be defrosted when there's a cure for whatever illness they're suffering from -- greedy bastards. That's...
Jokes Tagged:
health (734),
money (431),
family (349),
technology (345),
death (167),
Paul Provenza (16)
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