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Uh, yes, hello, I'm hosting a very important party at my mansion this evening, and I'll be entertaining some foreign dignitaries, heads of state and the like. I wanted to spruce the place up a little bit. Tell me -- what do you have in the way of balloons?'
If something is inherently funny, it's relatable after the fact. Anyone who says, 'You had to be there,' should just not have told you the thing in the first place because it's not funny.
Let me ask you this rhetorically -- which means don't answer me when I ask it: would crack be so bad, and would people think so harshly of crack, if it were called 'crackle'?
Folks, let me tell you a little bit about myself. I'm not trying to brag or make you feel small about yourselves, but I have a cell phone. Let me explain what that is. It's -- you know how you have a phone in your house? It's like that, except there's no 'rope' attached to it.
I love text messaging because I love any form of one-sided non-verbal communication. I like to give people information, and then they've got to deal with it.
My phone is awesome. When I'm writing up a text message, it tries to help me out. I'll tap in a couple letters, right? And then the phone will pop up some shadowy-ghosty letters next to the letters I typed in, completing a potential word -- as if...
Here's how rich I am: I'll, like, go into a Banana Republic and buy shirts two at a time. That's right, I guess you should applaud for that. Here's the thing, people -- you're probably saying to me, 'But Paul, those shirts cost a lot of money.'...
Let's say you did some migrant working in college, right? And you thought you were pretty good, you could have turned pro, but then, I don't know, you broke your leg or whatever. This is your chance to work alongside the greats of migrant...
Recently, a friend and I were talking about genetic engineering -- and no, we weren't high. My friend was saying how great it would be if you could make a cat as big as a dog -- you know, have like a house cat and make it as big as like, you know,...
I don't like jazz music, and I don't like it on behalf of you, the common stupid person. Here's why -- hold on, you're pretty dumb -- here's why: because jazz is all about making the common man feel dumb. That's all it is. It's a bunch of guys all playing different songs at the same time. It's just a racket.
I was in a novelty store the other day, because I am a fan of hilarity, and saw that they are still making the gag peanut brittle. You know what I'm talking about? You open the can of peanut brittle up and snakes fly out! And the time to really...
I do not understand why people write letters to magazines. It accomplishes nothing; it's pointless. [If] you want to see your name in print that bad, write on a piece of paper and look at it: 'Ah, there it is. Just as I always dreamed.'
What I don't understand is when people write letters to magazines to say how much they agreed with a particular review or how much they enjoyed a particular article, you know what I mean?... You might as well write a letter to your grocery store....
I know you don't want to apologize for your dog because he's your pal -- he's your buddy. It's like he's not even a dog anymore and you're not even a human, you're just friends. Well, let's say you had a human friend, and you and your human friend...
Let's say it's true -- let's say you know 1000%, beyond a shadow of a doubt -- you know that you would take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?
I like going to theme parks, I think because I hate money. I think that's why. Like, sometimes I'll open my wallet, and I'll say, 'Oh, you have had it.'
People get self-conscious about the way they look, but here's the thing you gotta do: change the perspective. Think about it. Whenever I feel bad about the way I look, I consider that, on a daily basis, all I ate is fried meat, about half a case...
Look, you've already checked my lead pipe and my bicycle chain, this is outrageous. I need those brass knuckles. I have a very important rumble on the other side of the country, and I can't show up empty-handed.
As I'm standing there, I see they have a little sign with pictures of things you are not allowed to bring on the plane anymore. And they have, like, little drawings: circle, line through it, 'No!' One of the things you can't bring on the plane...
Jokes Tagged:
technology (345),
travel (277),
laws (214),
flying (96),
terrorism (51),
Paul F. Tompkins (19)
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