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If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.
If you lose a fight to a midget, you become one.
My other big obituary fear is, when I die, they'll have my picture, and they always have underneath it, in quotes, 'He loved to laugh.' Oh, he loved to laugh. Well, that doesn't tell you anything. Everybody loves to laugh -- you're laughing! That's like saying, 'He hungered for food.'
There used to be a time when you would come home, and reality was so crappy, you would turn on TV to watch stuff that people had made up, so that you could escape from the crappy reality. Now, you go out and deal with d**kheads and morons all day,...
It's a shirtless, bald human being with a bag of its own crap around its waist.
These videos are gayer than eight guys blowing nine guys.
You ever go out with someone, and then you realize three months into it that they're a little muffin-basket made out of rainbow kisses?
I don't think Bush wants to be president. I think he wants to be the last president -- just out in the wasteland in a hockey mask, all mutated and muscular.
I love women, I really do. I like my women like I like my coffee: tied up in a sack and thrown on the back of a donkey by Juan Valdez.
If I ever commit suicide, here's what I plan to do -- you can use this -- I'm gonna fling myself off the top of a skyscraper, but before I do, I'm gonna stuff my pockets with candy and gum. That way, when I smack into the sidewalk, I'll burst like...
To me, G-rated filth is so much creepier than just filth. If you're going to curse, like if you're going to say 'suck my d*ck' or 'f**k you,' just say it and then bleep it, rather than going, 'I'm going to fill your hoo-ha with goof-juice!'
Porn e-mailers: if you're out there -- I know there's eight of you here -- please spell check your porn emails before you spam me. I know that I'm going to get porn emails forever -- I'm OK with that -- but just spell check them because I'm super...
If you can take care of yourself and make it to 90, starting at age 90, every year, one law no longer applies to you. Now it starts off small: when you turn 90, you can legally litter. You can litter whenever you want to. You just walk up to a cop...
We're probably going to die in the f**king apocalypse, but you know what's kind of exciting about that is that if the apocalypse actually goes down -- and I mean the f**king biblical apocalypse -- and if that starts to happen -- I mean, like, the...
We're at war, right? I'm always saying, 'We're at war,' because I turned on CNN last week and there was a green city on TV. Whenever you turn on TV and there's a green city with white dots over it, you're like, 'Oh I guess we need oil. Hey, honey! I guess we should fill the car up.'
All these shows like 'I Want a Famous Face' and 'The Swan' -- basically what that is, is people go on national TV, and they tell America, 'I don't like how I look. I'm so against growing an original personality or developing charm, I'd rather have someone take a knife to my skull.'
In the obituaries, no one ever dies of cancer. People always give in after a valiant battle with cancer, or they throw in the towel after a courageous fight, which, statistically, can't be possible. There had to have been a couple of cowardly ordeals in there.
The best marijuana that you smoke in the United States, you may as well be smoking shoelaces compared to the stuff they have [in Amsterdam.] The bud left its parents on Krypton.
When I go to other countries... I sort of think of myself as an ambassador insofar as I don't want to be a typical American douchenozzle. And getting thrown out of the Anne Frank house, that's it -- I mean, you've won the douchenozzle sweepstakes.
Remember when you were growing up and you wanted to color eggs for Easter? Where did you go? There was only one game in town: PAAS. You went to PAAS, or you went to hell. Remember that? That was on the box.
